First, let me make this very clear to you before I go any further. I don’t like you.
Okay, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I have a few more things I need you to know.
1. You are only 13. That means you need to act like you’re only 13.
2. You don’t need to wear shorts that show off your hoo-hah. That should be a well-kept secret until you’re at least in college and preferably married.
3. You are a lady. Watch your mouth, and sound like one, too. Cursing every other word doesn’t make you sound cool. It makes you sound trashy.
4. Your duckface is ugly. Stop posting it all over Facebook.
5. You do not need to be using your phone in the middle of the night. Only whores need to do that, and hopefully you are not a whore yet.
6. Do not text my son anything relating to what you’d like to do to him. Because I promise you – your daddy will not like hearing about it.
7. You need to stop posting pictures in those shirts where your boobies are nearly popping out. Please, for the sake of all things good and holy, save something for prom night.
8. If you ask my son to go to the movies with you, you better plan on answering a 50-question test when you get home, regarding every single aspect of the movie. Including the last 30 seconds.
9. I know my son’s passwords… to everything. Phone, Facebook, Instagram, e-mail, Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit, Linked in, Pinterest, everything. Just keep that in mind.
10. I know how to aim and shoot a weapon. Pretty well, in fact. Daddies aren’t the only ones with shotguns. Again, just a little something to keep in mind.
11. I will meet your parents before you ever step foot out of your house with my son. And I will have their phone number programmed in my phone.
12. Remember, I will share all pictures you send to my son on my public Facebook page if I need to.
13. Smart girls are more attractive than stupid hussies. Don’t play dumb. It’s not cute.
14. If you ever come over to “study” with my son, you’d better believe that all you will be doing is studying. And I will damn sure quiz you, so be prepared.
15. Getting pregnant will never be a retirement plan, so don’t even think about it. It will never be your ticket out of your home town. If you want him to stay with you forever, then just be a damn good girlfriend. When you’re both 20. Not 13.
Every trifling heifer who is constantly texting, calling, and messaging my 13-year-old son needs to read and understand this list first. And then, after each one of them is sure she understands it, she needs to come meet me – to my face – and introduce herself like a lady with proper manners and grammar. I just want to make sure they all know up front what to expect…
And now – just for gits and shiggles – these are some of the actual text messages I’ve received from said 13-year-old son. Enjoy!