Tag Archives: social life

“What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser—that’s why he’s number two.” ~Jarod Kintz


So I just finished changing my pants since I peed from excitement when I saw that Arden created the I Mustache You a Question Award and nominated me, albeit only because I sit next to her all day, and she thought I’d bitch about not winning.  Geez.  Anyhow, that’s not what matters, right?  What really matters is that my awards list is getting longer by the day!  Even Bitter Ben awarded me with his Bitterly Pressed Award because he’s trying to piss off Arden.  I’m beginning to like how this whole award thing works… piss a bunch of people off and shower Alicia with awards in the process!  This is a win-win for me!  Thanks Arden!!!

Anyway, back to business.  Here are the rules for this bomb-diggity award:

1. Add the award badge to your blog page.

I Mustache You a Question Award

2. Thank the person who nominated you.  (Thanks Arden!)

3. Answer your nominator’s question.

4. Nominate two bloggers for the award to keep it going.

5. Ask the new winners your incredible question.

6. When you’re awarded this, think of your two favorite bloggers at that very moment.  Here are your winners!

7. You can’t award the Mustache Award to the person who nominated you.  Make someone else’s day.

First, I’ll reveal my nominees for the ‘I Mustache You a Question Award.’  They are…..

“Normal” is the New Boring –

Blogging is the extent of her social life, as well.

 and

 TheLifeandTimesofaMom

She actually likes human contact.  She deserves an award for that in and of itself.

My question for both of these amazing ladies is:

If you could have a whole weekend with no kids to worry about and chase around, what would you do?  What would your fantasy weekend consist of?  (No guilt about not having the rugrats, either, by the way.)

Okay, now that that part’s out of the way, I’ll move on to Arden’s question for her nominees.  She asked “Is there something you’ve been holding back from someone that you just want to scream in their face but can’t (or won’t)?  It can be a friend, a coworker, a spouse or boyfriend, a relative.  Why haven’t you told them?”

Well, since you asked…

You all know how I feel about the one particular Turkey Leg Fatty Patty whom I see every day.  You know… the one who drives me insane with every single thing she does?  Well, last week while Arden was enjoying her amazing vacation, and I was stuck here to deal with Chunky McChunkerson on my own, I was surprisingly well-behaved.  I only gave her the look of death maybe three times a day, as opposed to the normal 15 times.  And, I did not scream in her face that she should never EVER wear that purple dress again.  Ever.  For the love of God.  Ever.

Why, you ask?  What was so wrong about the purple dress?

She looked like Violet Beauregarde.  When she turned into a blueberry.

Actual photograph of Turkey Legs

Actual photograph of Turkey Legs

On Friday, when the ice cream truck came for Employee Appreciation Week, I wanted to offer to roll her down to the parking lot just like any good Oompa Loompa would do.  But I didn’t.  I was scared she was going to pick the whole ice cream truck up and eat it.  (You know… like King Kong does when he picks up the girl??)

Me rolling Turkey Legs to the ice cream truck

My fellow co-workers and me rolling Turkey Legs to the ice cream truck

I held back.  I contained myself.  Why?

Simple:  I didn’t want to be eaten.

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“I have a social life. But I don’t discuss it.” ~Ed Koch


No, I really don’t have a social life… But it wasn’t until a fellow amazing blogger called me out on my lack of one yesterday that I realized how pathetic my social life really is.  Yes… that’s right.  He told me that Facebook, Twitter, and WordPress don’t count as social life outlets.  What?!  Well, crap.  Where does that leave me???

Source: Zoot Patrol

Source: Zoot Patrol

I’m only 31 [gasp – did I say “only”?], and I have two kids.  In case you didn’t know, a lot of 31-year-olds haven’t even started making babies yet.  At least not many I know.  In fact, several of my girlfriends are still in their late 20s [bitches…] and have had enough sense to remain unwed and childless – at least for now.  That part of them that itches for children lives vicariously through me and my never-ending monster kid stories.  I’m free, non-prescription birth-control!

Source: Dump a Day

Source: Dump a Day

Happy hour for me isn’t the usual 4-6.  It’s 9:30.  Why?  Because 9:30 is bedtime!  Woohoo!

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

And a night out for me isn’t the normal dancing on in a bar.  It’s grocery shopping in Walmart in peace and quiet with no kids.

Date night for me doesn’t usually consist of a romantic dinner and a movie.  It’s delivery pizza with one kid while the other is at a friend’s house.  (Only having one kid at a time guarantees me at least an hour of respect and maybe even a hug and, therefore, qualifies as a date.)

Source: My Name's Not Mommy

Source: My Name’s Not Mommy

Excitement for me isn’t some random guy asking for my phone number.  It’s getting to pee without a kid trying to bang down the door in a desperate attempt to tattle on the other one first.

Source: Laugh Lines

Source: Laugh Lines

A new release to me isn’t the latest movie in the theaters.  Nope.  It’s the TV version of the movie that everyone (except me) saw in the theater five years ago.

Source: Tumblr

Source: Tumblr

To me, vacation isn’t going away to Disney World or some remote island destination.  For me, it’s not having to do twenty loads of laundry in a week because the kids are spending a few days at their grandparents.

Source: The Meta Picture

Source: The Meta Picture

Social networking to me isn’t meeting up with old friends for a drink.  It’s Facebook stalking all my old high school friends and perusing through hundreds of photos of them enjoying their social lives.

Source: SocialDon

Source: SocialDon

Free time for me isn’t spent in a gym working on my abs.  It’s washing my hair.  And maybe even brushing it!

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

“Mom,” to me, isn’t only what I call the woman who gave birth to me.  It’s my first name.

Source: My Tee Spot

Source: My Tee Spot

For me, makeup doesn’t consist of lipstick, eyeliner, mascara, and blush.  It consists of only the concealer used to cover up my dark under-eye circles.

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

For me, relaxing doesn’t mean spending a day at the spa getting a message.  It means blogging… Lucky you!

Moses said I should “get out” more.  Maybe he meant “blog” more while you’re stuck at home with your kids and all your friends are out having fun.  Yes.  I’m quite certain that’s what he meant.  Stupid autocorrect.

Source: someecards

Source: someecards


Tiffany Kleiman ~ Author

“I don’t care if a reader hates one of my stories, just as long as s/he finishes the book.” ~ Roald Dahl, WD

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