Tag Archives: Jesus

“‘When are you planning to return to earth?’ ‘Soon as I finish this coffee,’ says Jesus. ‘Pretty good, isn’t it.’” ~Garrison Keillor


Source: Funny Junk

Source: Funny Junk

So, some friends and I went to Party at the Point last Friday night.  It was the perfect afternoon: amazing weather, great bands, cold beer, and drunk fun friends.  A Friday night after a crazy long week of work can’t get any better than that, right?  Wrong!  At one point, while I was lounging on my blanket, enjoying my beer and the music, I looked up and saw this:

The Son of God was there, too!!!  I knew right then that I had to find Him so I could tell Him that I knew His buddy, Don.

I searched the beach for the tall, Mexican/Italian/Irish, barefoot dude with the Bud Light Lime, but I couldn’t seem to find Him.  Finally, I passed a man who smelled slightly like salami, and I knew!  IT WAS HIM!!!  Only he didn’t have a BLL… He had a Miller Light.  I guess he didn’t want to feel like a Nancy.  Good choice.

You can imagine my surprise when he said, “Alicia!  How’s it going?  Wanna get a burger?”  [What?!  A burger with the Son of God?!  Um, okay!  But should I get rid of my beer???]

“No, but for my Dad’s sake, quit nursing it so we can go get another.  I’m running low.”  [Uh, how in the world-]  “I am the Son of God, you know.  At least give me a little credit.”

Right.  The Son of God.  He already knows my thoughts.  Crap.  That means He also knows what I did the Friday before last.  Crap crap crap.

So anyway, we get in the food line behind what felt like a hundred drunkies.  “Oh my God.  Look at this line!  We’re never gonna get our burgers.”

“Uh, that’s Son of God.  But people get me confused with my Dad all the time.  And, shh… keep it down.  Call me Steve out here.  Listening to your crap is enough.  I’m not in the mood to deal with everyone else’s tonight, too.  But I think I can help out with this line.”

The next thing I knew, everyone in line in front of us was turned around staring at the Son’s proof his Italian heritage.  [HOLY SWEET MOTHER!  Don was right… It’s like a train wreck, and I can’t look away!]  I had to snap out of my trance, though.  This was my shot.  I walked right up to the front of the line and ordered a burger for me and one for Steve.

By the time I had them in my hand, Steve had his pants up and had us both another beer.  We went and sat on my blanket, took our shoes off, stuck our toes in the sand, and enjoyed to the band.  He asked, “So, how do you know Don?”  “Oh, well, he’s my blogger friend.  And I think I love him.”  We sat and talked about Don a little more (He told me about what really happened during that Everclear incident, by the way…), and we even danced a little.

When the band wrapped up, Steve helped me pack up my blanket and get all ready to go.  I thanked Him for the endless rounds of Miller Light, high-fived Him, and invited Him to Reggae Night at Party at the Point in a couple weeks.  He promised He’d be there.

Right before He left, He said, “Oh, wait.  I almost forgot.  Here’s the $3,010 I owe Don.  Can you make sure he gets it?”

[Sure thing, Steve.  Sure thing.“Jesus, wait!!!  You forgot your shoes!!!”

***Before I get hate mail like Arden did with her Kristen Stewart post, please know that I really do love Jesus.  But I also believe that He has a pretty darn good sense of humor.***

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“C’Mon Man…!!!” ~Monday Night Countdown Crew


You can’t dance to Mumford & Sons like they’re Tupac.  [For a full guide to the white boy’s dance moves, see here.]

— C’Mon Man…!!! —

You can’t make 15 people stand in line behind you at the gas station while you scratch off all 10 lottery tickets to see if you’ve won a dollar.

— C’Mon Man…!!! —

Source: Meme Generator

Source: Meme Generator

 You can’t take up the whole aisle in Walmart’s parking lot waiting for the lady taking her sweet time walking to her car and unpacking her groceries so you can have her spot when you see I’m stuck behind you.

— C’Mon Man…!!! —

Source: XDTalk.com

Source: XDTalk.com

You can’t tell me that Sandra Bullock didn’t date Jesse James for his massive heat-seeking moisture missile.  It certainly wasn’t for his looks… (Thanks, NCFM.)

— C’Mon Man…!!! –

Source: starcasm.net

Source: starcasm.net

You can’t buy steak and lobster with your food stamps card while I’m buying Ramen Noodles with my debit card.

— C’Mon Man…!!! —

Source: Ed Nicholson

Source: Ed Nicholson

You can’t really think you’re going to lose 20 pounds just because you’re drinking a Diet Coke with that Big Mac…

— C’Mon Man…!!! –

Source: quickmeme.com

Source: quickmeme.com

You can’t really believe that you’re going to burn in fiery hell because you didn’t ‘Like’ and ‘Share’ that Facebook picture of Jesus.

— C’Mon Man…!!! —

Source: meme.cc

Source: meme.cc

You can’t cut me off in traffic and then stop right in front of me to make a left turn.

— C’Mon Man…!!! –

Source: Jokideo

Source: Jokideo

You can’t call in sick on Monday after posting pics of your amazing weekend all over Facebook.

— C’Mon Man…!!! –

Source: someecards.com

Source: someecards.com

You can’t try those lies with me.  I was a kid once, too.  I know you didn’t really finish your homework in class. 

— C’Mon Man…!!! –


Tiffany Kleiman ~ Author

“I don’t care if a reader hates one of my stories, just as long as s/he finishes the book.” ~ Roald Dahl, WD

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