Tag Archives: growing up

“Slang is the suitcase of the damned, my dear. CHECK IT.” ~Heather Cocks

Okay, so I’m a little behind the times.  Every time I say something is cool or awesome or rad or even gnarly [lol], I get a major “you’re an idiot” eye roll from my completely gnarly [lol] teenager.  That, of course, would be Gerald, who is the epitome of cool (at least in his own head).  When we have conversations, I often feel like I’m speaking to an alien from another planet… one to which I’ve not been honored to visit yet.  In an effort to help all of my fellow “bofs” [noun: boring old farts] have ridiculous effective conversations with today’s teens, I’ve put together a mini cheat-sheet for quick reference.

Here’s your 2013 “Teen Slang for Dummies” guide:


Old fart definition:  noun – any nonhuman animal, especially a large, four-footed mammal
Hip teen definition:  adjective – very good; excellent; cool; awesome
Example:  Dude, your news kicks are beast!


Old fart definition:  adjective – moderately cold; tending to cause shivering
Hip teen definition:  adjective – great; awesome; cool; fine; okay; fun; low-key
Example:  Man, that penny board is so chill!


Old fart definition:  This word does not exist in our normal, old fart language.
Hip teen definition:  noun – dummy
Example:  Come on, stop being such a derp.

Dookie Fresh

Old fart definition:  Again, THANKFULLY, this word does not exist in our normal, old fart language.
Hip teen definition:  adjective – excellent; awesome; cool
Example:  Wow, those rims are dookie fresh!


Old fart definition:  verb – to go and bring back; return with; get
Hip teen definition:  adjective – great; awesome; cool
Example:  That new song by Macklemore is so fetch!


Old fart definition:  adjective – another word for gnarled; slang for distasteful, offensive, or gross
Hip teen definition:  adjective – very good; excellent; cool  (yep… precisely the opposite of what it meant when we old folks were growing up)
Example:  That homerun was gnarly!

Hoss Boss  (Nope, not kidding…)

Old fart definition:  As you probably guessed, this word does not exist in our normal, old fart language.
Hip teen definition:  adjective – incredibly awesome; great
Example:  That kid is totally hoss boss!  He should hang with us!


Old fart definition:  adjective – clear; free from blemishes; free from foreign elements
Hip teen definition:  adjective – awesome; extremely excellent; great
Example:  Dude, that dunk was pure!


Old fart definition:  noun – a toothed bar with which a pawl engages
Hip teen definition:  adjective – loud; rude; obnoxious; severely ghetto
Example:  Man, that chick is mad ratchet.  I wish she would just shut up!


Old fart definition:  adjective – absurd; preposterous; laughable
Hip teen definition:  adjective – extremely impressive; unbelievable; very good; excellent; cool; awesome
Example:  Dude, Clowney’s tackle on that kid was ridiculous!


Old fart definition:  adjective – affected with ill health or disease
Hip teen definition:  adjective – crazy; insane; great; cool; awesome
Example:  That skateboard trick was sick


Old fart definition:  verb – to give off or emit smoke
Hip teen definition:  adjective – extremely attractive; hot
Example:  The new girl in my math class is smoking!


Old fart definition:  adjective – having the taste or flavor characteristic of sugar or honey; not rancid
Hip teen definition:  adjective – used to express extreme satisfaction or approval; good; excellent; cool
Example:  No school tomorrow?  Sweet!


Old fart definition:  verb – to strike with a resounding blow
Hip teen definition:  adjective – bad; sucks, crazy; insane
Example:  Man, that’s whack that your mom grounded you.


Old fart definition:  adjective – evil or morally bad in principle; mischievous
Hip teen definition:  adjective – awesome; cool; used to add emphasis
Example:  Holy crap, it’s wicked cold outside!

Okay… So now that you’re up-to-speed on today’s hippest language, I challenge you to go strike up a conversation with a teenager.  I know.  That’s ridiculous, isn’t it?  😉

“I’d learned that some things are best kept secret.” ~Nicholas Sparks

Photo by Alicia Benton

Photo by Alicia Benton

Photo by Alicia Benton

Photo by Alicia Benton

Ten secrets my kids don’t know about me:

1.  I am absolutely TERRIFIED of the world in which they’re growing up.  Murders, drugs, gangs, bullying, lack of respect, Liberals…

2.  I wonder every day if I’m failing as a mom.  Do all moms wonder if they’re doing a good job or ruining their kids for life?

3.  I’m broke.  No, seriously…

4.  I’m worried about whether I’ll ever be that mother-in-law.  You know – the monster who hates any female who tries to steal her son from her.

5.  It breaks my heart every morning that I drop them off at school and don’t get to walk them to their classes anymore.  Psycho.  I know, I know.

6.  They’re my heroes.  [See why here.]

7.  I really don’t have eyes in the back of my head.  They still wonder, to this day, how it is that I know every time they’re doing something they shouldn’t be.  (I’m just awesome like that, I guess.)

8.  I’m not really counting down the days until they move out.  In fact, in reality, I’m dreading it.  What will my purpose in life be when I’m no longer needed as a 24-hour-a-day referee?

9.  I don’t really sit around all day and think about how to make their lives miserable.  I don’t know if they’d believe this one since I’m often known as “The Meanest Mom in the World.”

10.  I love Bruno Mars.  If they knew that, then they would decide that they hated him, and we wouldn’t get to listen to him in the car anymore.

Someday (hopefully no time within the next 40 15 years) they’ll have little munchkins of their own, and then I’ll finally sit down and share my secrets with them.  By then, they’ll have their own secrets to keep from nosey little ears (and not just from me).  How terrifying refreshing will that day be?!

“I want you to think about it long and hard.” ~Michael (from The Office)

As a parent to a tween and a teen, I find myself praying quite often that they won’t pick up on the latest moronic cool terms and phrases that many other kids their age have coined as “sick” or “beast.”  Unfortunately for me, however, God finds some of my other prayer requests more urgent and answers those first.  (He’s got quite a sense of humor, in case you didn’t know.)  Anyway, sure enough, the boys have recently discovered the joy in the infamous phrase, “That’s what she said.”  Yep – that’s right.  They’re only about eight years behind the times on this one, but they love it (and think it’s hilarious) nonetheless.  Here’s a little sneak peak into my torturous, testosterone-filled house:

My sister:  Alicia, do you want the brownies with nuts or without?
Me:  With.  I don’t like the ones without nuts.
The Boys:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

Gerald:  Mom, do you want the rest of this cornbread?
Me:  No, it’s too hard now.
The Boys:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

Ronald:  Mom, look at this bruise I got at practice today.
Me:  Wow, it’s huge.  It must really hurt.
The Boys:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

Gerald:  Mom, are you going to eat this candy bar?
Me:  No.  I don’t really like white chocolate.
The Boys:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

Me:  Ronald, you had a great hit today!
Ronald:  I – –
Gerald:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

Me:  That made me choke.  It went down the wrong hole.
The Boys:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

Me:  Ronald, you need to hurry up and finish that.  It’s not that hard.
The Boys:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

Gerald:  Mom, I don’t like these potatoes.
Me:  Well then just hurry up and swallow them.  And don’t eat anymore.
The Boys:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

Ronald:  Mom, come look at this spider!
Me:  Where?  I can’t see it.  It’s too small.
The Boys:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

— Um… FAIL!!  They’ll get it eventually… —

What happened to the days when my boys were sweet and innocent?  Okay, wait…  Those may have never existed.  That may have only been in my head.  Hmm – It’s a good thing they’re cute.

“I hate you. You’re crazy. One minute you’re cool, the next minute you’re throwing pointy objects at my head…” ~L.M.N.

Ah, young love…  Do you remember those days?  I remember the days when boys were gross, and I used to chase them around the playground.

Photo by Alicia Benton

Photo by Alicia Benton

My mom used to tell me that meant I had a crush on one of those boys.  What?!  No way!  She was nuts!  Of course, as I grew up, I realized that she was exactly right.  I mean, how else are you supposed to show a boy that you like him, besides chasing him around and pushing him down when you finally catch him???  Well, I’ll tell you what – It’s quite an eye-opening experience when you finally get to see your kid reach those days.  There’s a girl in Ronald’s class, who also happens to live in our neighborhood, who thinks “Ronald is gross.”  [Read:  “Ronald is cute.”]  How do I know this, you ask?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  For one, every day when Ronald gets home from school, he updates me on the latest number of times that Kayla pulled his hair in class and on the bus.  (Remember, he’s got the mean ‘fro going on…)  Then, he tells me all about how while he was riding his bike, she chased him around the neighborhood throwing pine cones at him.  Today, my sister and I watched first hand as she showered him with pink flower petals as he rode by.  Then she proceeded to pick up handfuls of pine straw and attempt to cover him in it.  She never misses a chance to tell me about all the “gross” things Ronald does.  He keeps telling me how annoying she is, and when I tell him that it’s just her way of showing him that she likes him, he responds with, “Eww, Mom.  That’s gross.  Plus, she’s mean to me.  There’s no way she likes me.”  Ha!  Little does he know that she goes home after school and doodles her first name right alongside his last name.  She’s already picked out her wedding dress for that glorious day ten years from now that she gets to marry MY son!  [Over my dead body, by the way…]  It’s so funny to me now to see that the way we females show boys that we like them is by doing the meanest things we can think of to them.  What… you want me to be NICE to the boy I like?  Yeah right!  Hmm… I guess some things will never change, huh?  😉

Tiffany Kleiman ~ Author

“I don’t care if a reader hates one of my stories, just as long as s/he finishes the book.” ~ Roald Dahl, WD

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A Modern Day Mom

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