Tag Archives: getting old

“When you can stop, you don’t want to, and when you want to stop, you can’t…” ~Luke Davies


Okay, so I’d say my addiction has taken over.  And no, it’s not a Candy Crush addiction!

Source: daily haha

Source: daily haha

It’s an addiction to……….

……….Wordpress!

As you know, my post yesterday was a lot little controversial.  I meant it all in good fun.  I didn’t post it with the intention of seriously offending anyone… at least no more than I usually do.

So I’m not quite sure why I felt obligated to stare at my stats all day to make sure my number of followers didn’t start dropping all because of one potentially offensive post.  But – I did.  Obsessively.  Constantly.

By the time I was finally ready for bed, I was relieved to see that I didn’t lose any of my awesome blogger friends over one post.

Yet.

Only a few hours later, I was back on WordPress staring at the number of my loyal followers.  And that’s when it happened.

My number dropped by one.

Holy crap!  No!!!

And then another one.

Please stooooop!

And then two more.

What was happening?!  I didn’t mean to offend you, people!  It wasn’t that serious!

Finally, it dropped four more.  I lost eight followers!  I’m never going to be ineligible for the Liebster Award now…

All because of one quasi-funny post???  This sucks!  It didn’t even have all my political views on there because I didn’t want to really piss people off.

I couldn’t bear to watch my followers drop any more.  I got teary-eyed and was about to have a breakdown when all of a sudden I awoke in a cold sweat, still panicky.

Oh, thank God!  I was dreaming!

Wait… at least I think I was dreaming.  I immediately got on WordPress and went straight to my stats page.  WHEW!  No missing followers!

Sure.  Laugh it up.  You think it’s funny.  But it’s not!  I was seriously panicking over the thought of some of you guys dumping me already.  It’s only been four months, and all relationships have rocky moments here and there, right??

Don’t give up on me yet!  If I say something that offends you, just say something mean and awful back!  I can handle it.  And if I can’t, I’ll just blog about it!

The main problem I see here is that none of you can help me with my addiction.  You’re all damn addicts, too!  Bunch of enablers…

Okay, now on a brighter note…

Today’s my birthday, and they seriously get more depressing as I realize that more and more of my kids’ teachers are now younger than I am.

But Arden cheered me up this morning with the perfect card!

Does she know me well or what?!

Does she know me well or what?!

And the envelope was even better!

And Eugene cheered me up with the perfect drink!

It’s gonna’ be a great day, right?!  I mean, I might even get a senior citizen’s discount at the grocery store now… [sigh]

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

 

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“I have a social life. But I don’t discuss it.” ~Ed Koch


No, I really don’t have a social life… But it wasn’t until a fellow amazing blogger called me out on my lack of one yesterday that I realized how pathetic my social life really is.  Yes… that’s right.  He told me that Facebook, Twitter, and WordPress don’t count as social life outlets.  What?!  Well, crap.  Where does that leave me???

Source: Zoot Patrol

Source: Zoot Patrol

I’m only 31 [gasp – did I say “only”?], and I have two kids.  In case you didn’t know, a lot of 31-year-olds haven’t even started making babies yet.  At least not many I know.  In fact, several of my girlfriends are still in their late 20s [bitches…] and have had enough sense to remain unwed and childless – at least for now.  That part of them that itches for children lives vicariously through me and my never-ending monster kid stories.  I’m free, non-prescription birth-control!

Source: Dump a Day

Source: Dump a Day

Happy hour for me isn’t the usual 4-6.  It’s 9:30.  Why?  Because 9:30 is bedtime!  Woohoo!

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

And a night out for me isn’t the normal dancing on in a bar.  It’s grocery shopping in Walmart in peace and quiet with no kids.

Date night for me doesn’t usually consist of a romantic dinner and a movie.  It’s delivery pizza with one kid while the other is at a friend’s house.  (Only having one kid at a time guarantees me at least an hour of respect and maybe even a hug and, therefore, qualifies as a date.)

Source: My Name's Not Mommy

Source: My Name’s Not Mommy

Excitement for me isn’t some random guy asking for my phone number.  It’s getting to pee without a kid trying to bang down the door in a desperate attempt to tattle on the other one first.

Source: Laugh Lines

Source: Laugh Lines

A new release to me isn’t the latest movie in the theaters.  Nope.  It’s the TV version of the movie that everyone (except me) saw in the theater five years ago.

Source: Tumblr

Source: Tumblr

To me, vacation isn’t going away to Disney World or some remote island destination.  For me, it’s not having to do twenty loads of laundry in a week because the kids are spending a few days at their grandparents.

Source: The Meta Picture

Source: The Meta Picture

Social networking to me isn’t meeting up with old friends for a drink.  It’s Facebook stalking all my old high school friends and perusing through hundreds of photos of them enjoying their social lives.

Source: SocialDon

Source: SocialDon

Free time for me isn’t spent in a gym working on my abs.  It’s washing my hair.  And maybe even brushing it!

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

“Mom,” to me, isn’t only what I call the woman who gave birth to me.  It’s my first name.

Source: My Tee Spot

Source: My Tee Spot

For me, makeup doesn’t consist of lipstick, eyeliner, mascara, and blush.  It consists of only the concealer used to cover up my dark under-eye circles.

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

For me, relaxing doesn’t mean spending a day at the spa getting a message.  It means blogging… Lucky you!

Moses said I should “get out” more.  Maybe he meant “blog” more while you’re stuck at home with your kids and all your friends are out having fun.  Yes.  I’m quite certain that’s what he meant.  Stupid autocorrect.

Source: someecards

Source: someecards


“I felt my mouth go dry, my throat constrict…” ~ Jennifer Paynter


Okay, so last night was one of those crazy nights – two baseball games on opposite sides of town.  The endless driving-like-a-maniac back and forth between fields already caused my blood pressure to go nuts.  On top of that, our last game didn’t end until after 10 – on a school night – which led to us eating a wonderful [insert sarcasm] dinner of McDonald’s at 10:30.  Ugh.  So we’re sitting at the dinner table eating scarfing down our food when the following conversation causes me to have a full-blown panic attack:

Ronald: Mom, what’s ‘jacking off’ mean? A kid in my class said that today.

Me: [Completely and utterly choking on my french fries] Um, excuse me, what?

Ronald: What’s ‘jacking off’ mean?

Me: Uh, maybe you should ask your brother about that.

Brother: Uh, maybe you should ask your father figure about that.

Me: Uh, uh, uh… Hold on – I’ll be right back! [Frantically dialing “father figure’s” phone number]

Me (upon reaching “father figure”): I need your help. ASAP. [Hand phone to Ronald like it’s a hot potato searing my fingers]

Ronald (to “father figure”): What’s ‘jacking off’ mean?

Father Figure: [Without missing a beat] Well, it’s basically playing with your own winkie dinkie.

Ronald: Eww! Gross!!!

Father Figure: Yep. So next time your classmate talks about jacking off, tell him you don’t want to hear about him playing with his own winkie dinkie. But don’t say jacking off… you’ll get in trouble by your teacher for that.

Ronald: Oh. Okay. Thank you – goodnight. [Still as cool as a cucumber]

Me: [Still hyperventilating] Okay.Timeforbed.Iloveyou.Goodnight. [I then proceed to crawl in my bed, curl up in a ball, and continue to remind myself to breath in and out. In and out.]

Before I had kids, people told me that kids were expensive.  I thought that only referred to diapers and stuff like that.  I had no idea that it meant room and board for the loony bin I’d end up in from the endless panic attacks they would give me.  Am I really cut out for raising two boys?  [Sigh.]

 


“The young have aspirations that never come to pass, the old have reminiscences of what never happened.” ~Saki


People say that dreams and goals are what keep us going.  As I sit here and ponder that, I also can’t help but think about how my goals have changed after having children.  If you have kids, you probably know exactly what I’m talking about.  If you don’t, you may wonder just how much a person’s dreams can possibly change.  Well, let me explain it to you…

Goal Before Kids:  To save up enough money to go to law school
Goal After Kids:  To save up enough money to send both kids to school with lunch money on the same day

Goal Before Kids:  To make time to travel abroad
Goal After Kids:  To make time to pee

Goal Before Kids:  To learn to speak French fluently
Goal After Kids:  To learn to speak “tween” fluently (See here for “Tween 101”)

Goal Before Kids:  To retire by the age of 40
Goal After Kids:  To get my kids out of my house by the age of 40

Goal Before Kids:  To get a job right out of school
Goal After Kids:  To keep a job (Thanks, Mr. Pres…)

Goal Before Kids:  To have a big, beautiful house
Goal After Kids:  To have a tiny house so it is easier to shove everything under the bed and make it appear beautiful

Goal Before Kids:  To have good credit
Goal After Kids:  To have any credit (Thanks, sperm donor…)

Goal Before Kids:  To look fabulous in a bikini
Goal After Kids:  To make sweats look fabulous

Goal Before Kids:  To not let my gym membership expire
Goal After Kids:  To not let my library card expire

Pitiful, right?  But at least I still have goals!  As Lewis Carroll says in Alice in Wonderland:

Cat:  Where are you going?
Alice:  Which way should I go?
Cat:  That depends on where you are going.
Alice:  I don’t know.
Cat:  Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.

Make goals.  Have dreams.  If you can’t reach them right now, make new ones.  You’ll reach them eventually (or at least be able to blog about them) – Don’t ever give up!!!

BEFORE KIDS:

Photo by Leslie Dobbe Photography

Photo by Leslie Dobbe Photography

Photo by Leslie Dobbe Photography

Photo by Leslie Dobbe Photography

AFTER KIDS:

Photo by Leslie Dobbe Photography

Photo by Leslie Dobbe Photography

Photo by Leslie Dobbe Photography

Photo by Leslie Dobbe Photography


“I’d learned that some things are best kept secret.” ~Nicholas Sparks


Photo by Alicia Benton

Photo by Alicia Benton

Photo by Alicia Benton

Photo by Alicia Benton

Ten secrets my kids don’t know about me:

1.  I am absolutely TERRIFIED of the world in which they’re growing up.  Murders, drugs, gangs, bullying, lack of respect, Liberals…

2.  I wonder every day if I’m failing as a mom.  Do all moms wonder if they’re doing a good job or ruining their kids for life?

3.  I’m broke.  No, seriously…

4.  I’m worried about whether I’ll ever be that mother-in-law.  You know – the monster who hates any female who tries to steal her son from her.

5.  It breaks my heart every morning that I drop them off at school and don’t get to walk them to their classes anymore.  Psycho.  I know, I know.

6.  They’re my heroes.  [See why here.]

7.  I really don’t have eyes in the back of my head.  They still wonder, to this day, how it is that I know every time they’re doing something they shouldn’t be.  (I’m just awesome like that, I guess.)

8.  I’m not really counting down the days until they move out.  In fact, in reality, I’m dreading it.  What will my purpose in life be when I’m no longer needed as a 24-hour-a-day referee?

9.  I don’t really sit around all day and think about how to make their lives miserable.  I don’t know if they’d believe this one since I’m often known as “The Meanest Mom in the World.”

10.  I love Bruno Mars.  If they knew that, then they would decide that they hated him, and we wouldn’t get to listen to him in the car anymore.

Someday (hopefully no time within the next 40 15 years) they’ll have little munchkins of their own, and then I’ll finally sit down and share my secrets with them.  By then, they’ll have their own secrets to keep from nosey little ears (and not just from me).  How terrifying refreshing will that day be?!


“The good thing about being old is not being young.” ~Stephen Richards


Okay, so I thought that making the transition from my 20s to my 30s is what would officially mean I was “old.”  I was wrong.  The true sign of my senior status (in my kids’ eyes, at least) happened this morning.  As Gerald and I were sitting in the car together, wasting time before he had to go into school, the following conversation took place.  [Please note that in addition to the actual words that were spoken, I am also going to throw in those thoughts that were never actually spoken out loud…]  Our conversation went as follows:

Gerald:  Hey Mom, who is Robert De Niro?

Me:  [Are you kidding me?]  Robert De Niro?  [Am I that old – geez?]  Only one of the best actors of all time.

Gerald:  Really?  Oh.  Is he black?

Me:  What?!  No!!!  [You’ve got to be kidding me!]

Gerald:  Hmm.  Well, what is he in?

Me:  The Godfather, man!  And Goodfellas!  [Are you freaking kidding me?!]

Gerald:  I’ve never heard of those.  Are you sure he’s really popular, Mom?

Me:  [Omg.  You’re kidding…]  Yep, I’m sure.  He’s one of the best, honey.

Gerald:  Oh.  Well maybe only old people know who he is then.

Me:  [Swinging blindly into the back seat where Gerald’s sitting.  Come here, you little rat..!]  No, I don’t think so.  He was in Meet the Fockers.  That’s not that old. 

Gerald:  Ooohhhh!  Why didn’t you say that one first, Mom?  Now I know who he is!  I love that movie – maybe Ronald and I will watch it again this weekend!

Me:  Oh, good.  [Enjoy it, you little focker.  It may be the last movie you ever watch.]

Lesson I learned this morning:  I’m officially a failure as a parent.  My kids don’t even know who The Godfather is.  Guess what we’re really watching this weekend?


Tiffany Kleiman ~ Author

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