Tag Archives: funny

FaceSwap


Y’all this may just be the best FaceSwap ever!!!

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This makes Snapchat worth its existence.


Say What??!


I’ve added a new page to my blog – It’s called “Say What??!,” and it shares the very best of the best things that I’ve heard in my household.  Between the kids and the hubby, you never know what you’ll hear next.  Some of them are just too good not to share with you all!

https://aliciabenton.wordpress.com/say-what/


“If you’re playing a poker game, and you look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is, it’s you.” ~Paul Newman


I’m super busy at work this afternoon, so I’ll just share a quick, funny kid story with you today.

The kids have recently learned from us how to play poker and black jack, so we’ve been spending an hour or so every afternoon playing with them.  We play for Goldfish, so you know it’s no joke, and the stakes are high.

Source: shmoop

Source: shmoop

Anyway, last night, Eugene had to run out to the car for something, so he said, “I’ll be right back, but you can go ahead and play one hand while I’m gone if you want.”

Gerald responded with, “How do you play one-hand?  I’ve never heard of that game.”

All I could do was shake my head and laugh…

Finally, as I was laughing and Eugene was staring at him like, “Did you really just say that?,” the light clicked on for him, and he turned a nice pretty shade of pink!  He was so embarrassed!  But we all got a good laugh out of it.

Needless to say, he and I played one-hand while Eugene ran out to the car, and I have to say… I caught on pretty quickly!


“I felt my mouth go dry, my throat constrict…” ~ Jennifer Paynter


Okay, so last night was one of those crazy nights – two baseball games on opposite sides of town.  The endless driving-like-a-maniac back and forth between fields already caused my blood pressure to go nuts.  On top of that, our last game didn’t end until after 10 – on a school night – which led to us eating a wonderful [insert sarcasm] dinner of McDonald’s at 10:30.  Ugh.  So we’re sitting at the dinner table eating scarfing down our food when the following conversation causes me to have a full-blown panic attack:

Ronald: Mom, what’s ‘jacking off’ mean? A kid in my class said that today.

Me: [Completely and utterly choking on my french fries] Um, excuse me, what?

Ronald: What’s ‘jacking off’ mean?

Me: Uh, maybe you should ask your brother about that.

Brother: Uh, maybe you should ask your father figure about that.

Me: Uh, uh, uh… Hold on – I’ll be right back! [Frantically dialing “father figure’s” phone number]

Me (upon reaching “father figure”): I need your help. ASAP. [Hand phone to Ronald like it’s a hot potato searing my fingers]

Ronald (to “father figure”): What’s ‘jacking off’ mean?

Father Figure: [Without missing a beat] Well, it’s basically playing with your own winkie dinkie.

Ronald: Eww! Gross!!!

Father Figure: Yep. So next time your classmate talks about jacking off, tell him you don’t want to hear about him playing with his own winkie dinkie. But don’t say jacking off… you’ll get in trouble by your teacher for that.

Ronald: Oh. Okay. Thank you – goodnight. [Still as cool as a cucumber]

Me: [Still hyperventilating] Okay.Timeforbed.Iloveyou.Goodnight. [I then proceed to crawl in my bed, curl up in a ball, and continue to remind myself to breath in and out. In and out.]

Before I had kids, people told me that kids were expensive.  I thought that only referred to diapers and stuff like that.  I had no idea that it meant room and board for the loony bin I’d end up in from the endless panic attacks they would give me.  Am I really cut out for raising two boys?  [Sigh.]

 


“I want you to think about it long and hard.” ~Michael (from The Office)


As a parent to a tween and a teen, I find myself praying quite often that they won’t pick up on the latest moronic cool terms and phrases that many other kids their age have coined as “sick” or “beast.”  Unfortunately for me, however, God finds some of my other prayer requests more urgent and answers those first.  (He’s got quite a sense of humor, in case you didn’t know.)  Anyway, sure enough, the boys have recently discovered the joy in the infamous phrase, “That’s what she said.”  Yep – that’s right.  They’re only about eight years behind the times on this one, but they love it (and think it’s hilarious) nonetheless.  Here’s a little sneak peak into my torturous, testosterone-filled house:

My sister:  Alicia, do you want the brownies with nuts or without?
Me:  With.  I don’t like the ones without nuts.
The Boys:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

Gerald:  Mom, do you want the rest of this cornbread?
Me:  No, it’s too hard now.
The Boys:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

Ronald:  Mom, look at this bruise I got at practice today.
Me:  Wow, it’s huge.  It must really hurt.
The Boys:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

Gerald:  Mom, are you going to eat this candy bar?
Me:  No.  I don’t really like white chocolate.
The Boys:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

Me:  Ronald, you had a great hit today!
Ronald:  I – –
Gerald:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

Me:  That made me choke.  It went down the wrong hole.
The Boys:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

Me:  Ronald, you need to hurry up and finish that.  It’s not that hard.
The Boys:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

Gerald:  Mom, I don’t like these potatoes.
Me:  Well then just hurry up and swallow them.  And don’t eat anymore.
The Boys:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

Ronald:  Mom, come look at this spider!
Me:  Where?  I can’t see it.  It’s too small.
The Boys:  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  [Bahahaha!]

— Um… FAIL!!  They’ll get it eventually… —

What happened to the days when my boys were sweet and innocent?  Okay, wait…  Those may have never existed.  That may have only been in my head.  Hmm – It’s a good thing they’re cute.


“I hate you. You’re crazy. One minute you’re cool, the next minute you’re throwing pointy objects at my head…” ~L.M.N.


Ah, young love…  Do you remember those days?  I remember the days when boys were gross, and I used to chase them around the playground.

Photo by Alicia Benton

Photo by Alicia Benton

My mom used to tell me that meant I had a crush on one of those boys.  What?!  No way!  She was nuts!  Of course, as I grew up, I realized that she was exactly right.  I mean, how else are you supposed to show a boy that you like him, besides chasing him around and pushing him down when you finally catch him???  Well, I’ll tell you what – It’s quite an eye-opening experience when you finally get to see your kid reach those days.  There’s a girl in Ronald’s class, who also happens to live in our neighborhood, who thinks “Ronald is gross.”  [Read:  “Ronald is cute.”]  How do I know this, you ask?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  For one, every day when Ronald gets home from school, he updates me on the latest number of times that Kayla pulled his hair in class and on the bus.  (Remember, he’s got the mean ‘fro going on…)  Then, he tells me all about how while he was riding his bike, she chased him around the neighborhood throwing pine cones at him.  Today, my sister and I watched first hand as she showered him with pink flower petals as he rode by.  Then she proceeded to pick up handfuls of pine straw and attempt to cover him in it.  She never misses a chance to tell me about all the “gross” things Ronald does.  He keeps telling me how annoying she is, and when I tell him that it’s just her way of showing him that she likes him, he responds with, “Eww, Mom.  That’s gross.  Plus, she’s mean to me.  There’s no way she likes me.”  Ha!  Little does he know that she goes home after school and doodles her first name right alongside his last name.  She’s already picked out her wedding dress for that glorious day ten years from now that she gets to marry MY son!  [Over my dead body, by the way…]  It’s so funny to me now to see that the way we females show boys that we like them is by doing the meanest things we can think of to them.  What… you want me to be NICE to the boy I like?  Yeah right!  Hmm… I guess some things will never change, huh?  😉


“The good thing about being old is not being young.” ~Stephen Richards


Okay, so I thought that making the transition from my 20s to my 30s is what would officially mean I was “old.”  I was wrong.  The true sign of my senior status (in my kids’ eyes, at least) happened this morning.  As Gerald and I were sitting in the car together, wasting time before he had to go into school, the following conversation took place.  [Please note that in addition to the actual words that were spoken, I am also going to throw in those thoughts that were never actually spoken out loud…]  Our conversation went as follows:

Gerald:  Hey Mom, who is Robert De Niro?

Me:  [Are you kidding me?]  Robert De Niro?  [Am I that old – geez?]  Only one of the best actors of all time.

Gerald:  Really?  Oh.  Is he black?

Me:  What?!  No!!!  [You’ve got to be kidding me!]

Gerald:  Hmm.  Well, what is he in?

Me:  The Godfather, man!  And Goodfellas!  [Are you freaking kidding me?!]

Gerald:  I’ve never heard of those.  Are you sure he’s really popular, Mom?

Me:  [Omg.  You’re kidding…]  Yep, I’m sure.  He’s one of the best, honey.

Gerald:  Oh.  Well maybe only old people know who he is then.

Me:  [Swinging blindly into the back seat where Gerald’s sitting.  Come here, you little rat..!]  No, I don’t think so.  He was in Meet the Fockers.  That’s not that old. 

Gerald:  Ooohhhh!  Why didn’t you say that one first, Mom?  Now I know who he is!  I love that movie – maybe Ronald and I will watch it again this weekend!

Me:  Oh, good.  [Enjoy it, you little focker.  It may be the last movie you ever watch.]

Lesson I learned this morning:  I’m officially a failure as a parent.  My kids don’t even know who The Godfather is.  Guess what we’re really watching this weekend?


“A boy’s story is the best story ever told.” ~Charles Dickens


ImageAnyone who knows Ronald, knows that at any moment, he can drop your jaw with what comes out of his mouth!  Well, true story… His teacher was going on maternity leave after Valentine’s week, so they had a baby shower for her during their class Valentine’s Day party.  When we were in TJ Maxx getting the baby an outfit, Ronald tells me, “I don’t remember exactly what was on the list of things she needs, but I remember that the size was a 1Z.”  I thought, “What in the world kind of size is that?!  I thought they were sized with ‘Ts’, but the baby will be way too young for that.”  After standing in the middle of TJ Maxx staring at the floor racking my brain for five minutes, I finally figured out that he meant ONESIES!!!  Lol!  I love that kid!! 


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