Tag Archives: drama

“If looks could have killed, [she] would have been bleeding profusely from the forehead.” ~Julia Quinn

Have you ever disliked someone so much that EVERYTHING they do drives you INSANE?  Well, I know you find this hard to believe, but I do dislike someone that much.  (Shocker, I know…)  And, based solely on the death glares she gets from me, I’m pretty sure it’s no secret to her.

Source: Rotten eCards

Source: Rotten eCards

It’s this particular person’s own fault that she is so disliked, I might add.  She’s one of those people who knows everything about everything.  Even that the vending machine doesn’t accept MasterCard, even though there’s a big fat sticker plastered on the front that says “We accept Visa, MasterCard, American Express, and Discover.”  Yet, she’ll sit there and argue with you about how the sticker must be wrong.  Really???

Well that’s really only the beginning of her obnoxiousness.  Let me share some more with you, as misery loves company, right??  Of course.  As don of all trades once so eloquently asked, “Who doesn’t love fat women stories?

1.  She wears capris.  She should never – EVER – wear capris.  The bottoms of her legs look like uncooked turkey legs.  And I mean those GIANT turkey legs.  Like they have at the fair every fall.  If I have to see those suckers again, I may just have no choice but to become a vegetarian.

2.  She breathes too loud.  At any given time of the day, you would swear she just ran a 5k.  She sounds like she swallowed Darth Vader.  Please… stop breathing!!!

Key words here: "hold it for twenty minutes"

Key words here: “hold it for twenty minutes”

3.  She clears her throat like there may be a small animal in there.  Well, wait.  There may be…  It’s not a polite little “ahem,” by the way.  It’s a full-blown, “Let’s see what I can cough up today” throat-clearing.  And she doesn’t do it like only once a day.  It’s every five minutes.  And it’s GROSS!

4.  She has the most annoying accent EVER.  People, I’m from New York.  (Thankfully I am now quite the Southern Belle, however, right?)  I understand that people from different places speak differently.  But this is no normal northern accent.  This is different.  This is nasal, twangy, whiny, disgustingness.  In fact, the only reason I even know she’s from the north is because she doesn’t ever shut up about “Well in New York, they do it this way – In New York, they do it that way…”  Why don’t you just shut up and go back to New York?!

Source: The Keep Calm-O-Matic

Source: The Keep Calm-O-Matic

5.  She chews like a cow.  Seriously.  Sometimes, I think she eats the bag when she’s done with the chips.  Dang, I know chips are crunchy, but she gets a little carried away.

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

6.  As I mentioned above, she knows everything about everything.  At least she thinks she does…  No, girl – South Carolina’s capital is NOT Charleston.  No, girl, President Obama is NOT a Republican.  No girl, Diet Coke will NOT make you skinny.  Why you gotta act like you know when you don’t know?  (Thanks, Ben Folds…)

Source: Meme Generator

Source: Meme Generator

Please know that this is not even close to an exhaustive list of everything this girl does that causes me to strongly dislike her.  But I’ll stop here so that you don’t think that I’m really just an angry, bitter person.  I’m not.  Really.  I’ve found the secret to true happiness and removing all anger from my life.  And I plan to live by that secret:

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

Lesson for the day – – Don’t make me hate you.  I don’t hold my tongue well.  Thanks in advance.

Source: Bad Idea T-Shirts

Source: Bad Idea T-Shirts

“I hate you. You’re crazy. One minute you’re cool, the next minute you’re throwing pointy objects at my head…” ~L.M.N.

Ah, young love…  Do you remember those days?  I remember the days when boys were gross, and I used to chase them around the playground.

Photo by Alicia Benton

Photo by Alicia Benton

My mom used to tell me that meant I had a crush on one of those boys.  What?!  No way!  She was nuts!  Of course, as I grew up, I realized that she was exactly right.  I mean, how else are you supposed to show a boy that you like him, besides chasing him around and pushing him down when you finally catch him???  Well, I’ll tell you what – It’s quite an eye-opening experience when you finally get to see your kid reach those days.  There’s a girl in Ronald’s class, who also happens to live in our neighborhood, who thinks “Ronald is gross.”  [Read:  “Ronald is cute.”]  How do I know this, you ask?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  For one, every day when Ronald gets home from school, he updates me on the latest number of times that Kayla pulled his hair in class and on the bus.  (Remember, he’s got the mean ‘fro going on…)  Then, he tells me all about how while he was riding his bike, she chased him around the neighborhood throwing pine cones at him.  Today, my sister and I watched first hand as she showered him with pink flower petals as he rode by.  Then she proceeded to pick up handfuls of pine straw and attempt to cover him in it.  She never misses a chance to tell me about all the “gross” things Ronald does.  He keeps telling me how annoying she is, and when I tell him that it’s just her way of showing him that she likes him, he responds with, “Eww, Mom.  That’s gross.  Plus, she’s mean to me.  There’s no way she likes me.”  Ha!  Little does he know that she goes home after school and doodles her first name right alongside his last name.  She’s already picked out her wedding dress for that glorious day ten years from now that she gets to marry MY son!  [Over my dead body, by the way…]  It’s so funny to me now to see that the way we females show boys that we like them is by doing the meanest things we can think of to them.  What… you want me to be NICE to the boy I like?  Yeah right!  Hmm… I guess some things will never change, huh?  😉

“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.” ~Dylan Thomas

Do your kids ever fight?  Well, mine give sibling rivalry a whole new meaning.  You haven’t seen fighting until you’ve spent five minutes with Gerald and Ronald.  Seriously.  Five minutes.  That’s all it takes.  So, today I thought we would be golden and fight-free… Ronald had a field trip all day, so he didn’t have to do any work.  When we got back to the school, I signed him out early.  Then I let Gerald walk from school with his two best friends so he didn’t have to ride the bus.  Neither of them had baseball practice today, so they got to play the Xbox all afternoon.  That should be Heaven for an 11- and 13-year-old, right, and guarantee me at least one day of no fighting?  Well, not for MY kids.  Nooooo… that would be asking too much.  That would be like me asking for snow in July.  It can’t happen.  From the second Gerald walked in the door from school, here’s what I’ve heard [verbatim]:

“Mooooom, my brother’s blinking at me.”

“Mooooom, my brother farted next to me.”

“Mooooom, my brother won’t let me have a turn playing the game.”

“Mooooom, my brother ate the last piece of cornbread.”

“Mooooom, my brother pooped right before it was my turn in the shower.” 

“Mooooom, my brother is breathing too hard.”

“Mooooom, my brother called me ugly.”

“Mooooom, my brother’s chewing too loud.”

“Mooooom, my brother just tried to touch my butt.”

“Mooooom, my brother’s pretending to stab my eye out with his knife.”

As usual, when dealing with these two, I learned a few valuable lessons today.

1. Don’t make steak (or anything else that requires a knife) for dinner.

2. Ignoring them does not help.  They only yell louder.

3. I should change my name.  Now.

4. Pretending to be invisible doesn’t work.  They know I’m still here, and they keep finding me.

Please, someone… HELP.  Get me out of here!!!

“No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.” ~W. C. Fields

THANK GOD FOR BOYS…  I cannot say that enough!  I love how males can hate each other one minute and then be best friends the next.  Gerald and Ronald can be beating the crap out of each other and literally stop in the middle of their World War 3 to go outside and throw the baseball or football back and forth to each other.  We females, on the other hand, looooove drama.  And holding grudges.  It seems like women’s love for drama doesn’t improve with age, either.    61115_4883228877315_138569966_nFor example, I have an acquaintance [I’m using that term very loosely] who is almost as old as I am, and I really believe that she loves conflict.  She’s one of those women who smiles in your face and tells you what a great friend you are and then tells her other “friends” behind your back all of the terrible things about you (that may not even be remotely true).  I’ve racked my brain trying to figure out why the heck women do this, and the only conclusion I can draw is that their self-esteem is so low that the only way they can feel better about themselves is to bring others down.  Why do we, as women, automatically try to make ourselves look better at someone else’s expense?  Why can’t we do like my boys and just talk about how awesome we are?!  Men pride themselves on having a giant penis… Why can’t we be that simplistic and pride ourselves on having big hair or a big mouth or making the world’s best cookies???  Why do women have to make everything a rivalry?  Again, any rivalry between Gerald and Ronald usually consists of one good sucker punch while the other isn’t looking, and then they’re back to being best buds again.  I watch them as they’re getting older, and their rivalries are seeming to get smaller.  That’s freakin’ awesome!  I wish I could say the same for some of the women with whom I’m “friends.”  Why can’t we just BOTH be awesome?!  Okay… rant over.    

Tiffany Kleiman ~ Author

“I don’t care if a reader hates one of my stories, just as long as s/he finishes the book.” ~ Roald Dahl, WD

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