Okay, so me being Ms. Perfectionist, Type A, Control Freak, and all that good stuff, I have a ton of few pet peeves and things that just SET ME OFF. Unfortunately, I work in a professional law firm and have children at home, so when I encounter these things, I can’t really react in the manner in which I’d like:
Instead, I have to put on my big girl panties (not big girl like that, just FYI) and just suppress my anger, which in turn, makes me hate people.
You’re probably wondering what could possibly drive me to this point of crazed anger… Well let me tell you.
Yep, that’s right. Whistling. I freaking HATE it when people whistle. It’s one of those creepy sounds that just gets under my skin. Arghhh. STOP IT!!!
The Word ‘Moist’
Don’t ask… Just don’t say it. Ever. It’s gross.
Using Speaker Phones in Cubicles
Helloooo? You see that wall there that doesn’t go all the way to the ceiling? That means I can hear your entire conversation, moron. I don’t care what your doctor has to say about your rash.
‘Could of,’ ‘noone,’ ‘alot,’ ‘irregardless,’ and ‘supposably’ are NOT real words. If you say them, I will look at you like you’re an idiot. And no – You may not axe me anything. However, you may ASK me anything you’d like.
People Who Talk During Movies
SHUT UP!!! People pay small fortunes to see movies nowadays. They don’t want to hear you running your fat mouth.
People Who Mumble
Mhdsh gmgrk opsdfs djifod. Did you understand that? Good!!! Neither did I. As Willy Wonka so eloquently put it, “You should open your mouth a little wider when you speak.” If I’m looking at you like you’re speaking a different language, and you believe you’re speaking English, perhaps you should e-nun-ci-ate a little more. Or just shut up… That’s always my favorite option.
Please, for the love of God, don’t let spit gather up in the corners of your mouth when you talk. It makes me throw up in my mouth a little.
Backwards Toilet Paper
People, the end of the toilet paper goes over the top!!! There is no alternative option to this.
Express Lane Whores
Count your damn items. If you have more than 20, take your lazy behind to the next lane. If you’re one of the obnoxious ones who can’t count that high, I hope the cashier has to call (very loudly) for a price check on your Summer’s Eve.
No one wants to see you sucking on someone else’s face. Or grabbing a butt. If my kid has to ask me if you’re “doing sex,” it’s too much.
People Who Don’t Thank Me for Holding the Door for Them
Hold on… Come back through so I can ram the door with your face. You ungrateful witch.
This is another one of those utterly obnoxious sounds that makes my skin crawl. It used to take my ex-mother-in-law 10 minutes to unwrap a single stupid mint in church. And it takes 20 minutes for one of my colleagues to unwrap whatever she may be about to shove in her mouth at any given time (every dang thing she eats comes in an “impossible for morons to open” wrapper). That sound makes me want to stab my eardrums out myself.
Stop tapping – your foot, your pencil, your fingernails – everything!!! STOP. Or I will start tapping on your face with my fist.
Ronald says this all the freakin’ time. Wth does that even mean? “Ronald, did you brush your teeth?” “Yeparooni.” “Ronald, are you ready for your game?” “Yeparooni.” “Ronald, did you finish your homework?” “Yeparooni.” Seriously, kid. Shut it.
Well, there’s the start of my list of things that make me want to punch someone in the throat. Not too bad, right? Okay, so maybe I should check to see if my medical insurance covers anger management counseling. I’m doing a good job of holding it all in at the moment, but I don’t know how much longer I can last. What’s your biggest pet peeve?