Category Archives: Coworkers

“What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser—that’s why he’s number two.” ~Jarod Kintz


So I just finished changing my pants since I peed from excitement when I saw that Arden created the I Mustache You a Question Award and nominated me, albeit only because I sit next to her all day, and she thought I’d bitch about not winning.  Geez.  Anyhow, that’s not what matters, right?  What really matters is that my awards list is getting longer by the day!  Even Bitter Ben awarded me with his Bitterly Pressed Award because he’s trying to piss off Arden.  I’m beginning to like how this whole award thing works… piss a bunch of people off and shower Alicia with awards in the process!  This is a win-win for me!  Thanks Arden!!!

Anyway, back to business.  Here are the rules for this bomb-diggity award:

1. Add the award badge to your blog page.

I Mustache You a Question Award

2. Thank the person who nominated you.  (Thanks Arden!)

3. Answer your nominator’s question.

4. Nominate two bloggers for the award to keep it going.

5. Ask the new winners your incredible question.

6. When you’re awarded this, think of your two favorite bloggers at that very moment.  Here are your winners!

7. You can’t award the Mustache Award to the person who nominated you.  Make someone else’s day.

First, I’ll reveal my nominees for the ‘I Mustache You a Question Award.’  They are…..

“Normal” is the New Boring –

Blogging is the extent of her social life, as well.

 and

 TheLifeandTimesofaMom

She actually likes human contact.  She deserves an award for that in and of itself.

My question for both of these amazing ladies is:

If you could have a whole weekend with no kids to worry about and chase around, what would you do?  What would your fantasy weekend consist of?  (No guilt about not having the rugrats, either, by the way.)

Okay, now that that part’s out of the way, I’ll move on to Arden’s question for her nominees.  She asked “Is there something you’ve been holding back from someone that you just want to scream in their face but can’t (or won’t)?  It can be a friend, a coworker, a spouse or boyfriend, a relative.  Why haven’t you told them?”

Well, since you asked…

You all know how I feel about the one particular Turkey Leg Fatty Patty whom I see every day.  You know… the one who drives me insane with every single thing she does?  Well, last week while Arden was enjoying her amazing vacation, and I was stuck here to deal with Chunky McChunkerson on my own, I was surprisingly well-behaved.  I only gave her the look of death maybe three times a day, as opposed to the normal 15 times.  And, I did not scream in her face that she should never EVER wear that purple dress again.  Ever.  For the love of God.  Ever.

Why, you ask?  What was so wrong about the purple dress?

She looked like Violet Beauregarde.  When she turned into a blueberry.

Actual photograph of Turkey Legs

Actual photograph of Turkey Legs

On Friday, when the ice cream truck came for Employee Appreciation Week, I wanted to offer to roll her down to the parking lot just like any good Oompa Loompa would do.  But I didn’t.  I was scared she was going to pick the whole ice cream truck up and eat it.  (You know… like King Kong does when he picks up the girl??)

Me rolling Turkey Legs to the ice cream truck

My fellow co-workers and me rolling Turkey Legs to the ice cream truck

I held back.  I contained myself.  Why?

Simple:  I didn’t want to be eaten.

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“Yeah, well. I don’t try to be awesome. It just comes natural.” ~Rick Riordan


Let me start off by saying that I hate love ArdenDamn Thank you, Arden.  Thank you so much for giving me the ABC Award!  According to my stats page, I don’t deserve this award, which leads me to believe that you really just want to watch me shifting and writhing uncomfortably in my chair all day as I try to respond to my nomination.  Yep.  That sounds about right.

Here are the rules to this award:

1. Add the ABC Award to your new post.

ABC Award

2. A-B-C about yourself using one word or phrase.  (No, you cannot leave out ‘Q’ or ‘X’)

3. Nominate however many blogs you’d like to receive this award.

4. Let the recipients you’ve chosen know via a link in their comments section of their blogs.

And now, let my misery begin…

Anal.  [I think you’ve already figured this out about me.]

B-e-a-utiful.  [Not really, but I love saying that.]

Candid.  [Arden knows this firsthand.]

Dookie fresh.

Excellent.

Frisky.

Ghostly.  [I need Charleston to feel like Charleston now, please.  It’s May.  I need a tan.]

Honest.  [Brutally so.]

Impatient.  [And Intimidating.]

Jealous.  [Of everyone who has more than 66 followers.  Pathetic.]

Knee-deep.  [In crap I don’t want to deal with today.]

Left-handed.

Mom.  [I don’t even know my real name anymore.]

Nauseous.  [I have the stomach flu at the moment.  Don’t worry, Arden… I won’t discuss poop.]

Overweightphobic.  [Also known as cacomorphobic.]

Political.  [Don’t get me started.]

Quite certain I’m capable of murder.

Realistic.  [Some like to call is pessimistic.  I would beg to differ.]

Sarcastic.  [Literally all the time.]

Traffic snob.  [If it’s more than 15 minutes away, I’m not going.]

Uncompromising.

Vexed.  [Anyone who reads my blog knows that this is pretty often.]

Wanting.  [I need want a vacation and a million dollars.]

X-wife.  [I wear that badge proudly.]

Yeller.  [I can admit it.  Maybe no one heard me the first time.  Maybe.]

Zealous.  [About several issues.  Again, don’t get me started…]

And no, without further adieu, my nominees for the ABC Award are:

Marriage, Motherhood and Madness.  Mia is hilarious, and she blogs for the same reason I do: to get some time to herself!  (She’s also the real Slim Shady, by the way.)

Ben’s Bitter Blog.  While he, too, is hilarious (and tall), he’s also jealous that Arden nominated me for the award.  Stop being bitter, Ben.  Now it’s your turn.


“If looks could have killed, [she] would have been bleeding profusely from the forehead.” ~Julia Quinn


Have you ever disliked someone so much that EVERYTHING they do drives you INSANE?  Well, I know you find this hard to believe, but I do dislike someone that much.  (Shocker, I know…)  And, based solely on the death glares she gets from me, I’m pretty sure it’s no secret to her.

Source: Rotten eCards

Source: Rotten eCards

It’s this particular person’s own fault that she is so disliked, I might add.  She’s one of those people who knows everything about everything.  Even that the vending machine doesn’t accept MasterCard, even though there’s a big fat sticker plastered on the front that says “We accept Visa, MasterCard, American Express, and Discover.”  Yet, she’ll sit there and argue with you about how the sticker must be wrong.  Really???

Well that’s really only the beginning of her obnoxiousness.  Let me share some more with you, as misery loves company, right??  Of course.  As don of all trades once so eloquently asked, “Who doesn’t love fat women stories?

1.  She wears capris.  She should never – EVER – wear capris.  The bottoms of her legs look like uncooked turkey legs.  And I mean those GIANT turkey legs.  Like they have at the fair every fall.  If I have to see those suckers again, I may just have no choice but to become a vegetarian.

2.  She breathes too loud.  At any given time of the day, you would swear she just ran a 5k.  She sounds like she swallowed Darth Vader.  Please… stop breathing!!!

Key words here: "hold it for twenty minutes"

Key words here: “hold it for twenty minutes”

3.  She clears her throat like there may be a small animal in there.  Well, wait.  There may be…  It’s not a polite little “ahem,” by the way.  It’s a full-blown, “Let’s see what I can cough up today” throat-clearing.  And she doesn’t do it like only once a day.  It’s every five minutes.  And it’s GROSS!

4.  She has the most annoying accent EVER.  People, I’m from New York.  (Thankfully I am now quite the Southern Belle, however, right?)  I understand that people from different places speak differently.  But this is no normal northern accent.  This is different.  This is nasal, twangy, whiny, disgustingness.  In fact, the only reason I even know she’s from the north is because she doesn’t ever shut up about “Well in New York, they do it this way – In New York, they do it that way…”  Why don’t you just shut up and go back to New York?!

Source: The Keep Calm-O-Matic

Source: The Keep Calm-O-Matic

5.  She chews like a cow.  Seriously.  Sometimes, I think she eats the bag when she’s done with the chips.  Dang, I know chips are crunchy, but she gets a little carried away.

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

6.  As I mentioned above, she knows everything about everything.  At least she thinks she does…  No, girl – South Carolina’s capital is NOT Charleston.  No, girl, President Obama is NOT a Republican.  No girl, Diet Coke will NOT make you skinny.  Why you gotta act like you know when you don’t know?  (Thanks, Ben Folds…)

Source: Meme Generator

Source: Meme Generator

Please know that this is not even close to an exhaustive list of everything this girl does that causes me to strongly dislike her.  But I’ll stop here so that you don’t think that I’m really just an angry, bitter person.  I’m not.  Really.  I’ve found the secret to true happiness and removing all anger from my life.  And I plan to live by that secret:

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

Lesson for the day – – Don’t make me hate you.  I don’t hold my tongue well.  Thanks in advance.

Source: Bad Idea T-Shirts

Source: Bad Idea T-Shirts


“Suppose you were the last one left? Suppose you did that to yourself?” ~Cormac McCarthy


Okay, so today’s post is going to be a little different than my usual ones.  You can thank some of my coworkers for that.  So I come in to work this morning, unusually bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for a Monday morning (an early Monday morning, at that), and [obviously] the very first thing I do is go to the kitchen for coffee.  I mean, how else am I supposed to make it to lunchtime without chewing someone’s head off?  Well, I get within 50 feet of the kitchen, and I can already smell someone’s breakfast.  I’m sure right now you’re thinking, “What did you smell, Alicia?  Delicious bacon, maybe?  Or some warm oatmeal?”  Well, I’m glad you asked.  Nope, it wasn’t bacon or oatmeal… IT WAS FISH!!!  Yep, that’s right.  You heard me correctly.  FISH.  Now, it’s your prerogative if you want to eat disgusting, microwaved, salmon for breakfast in your own home, but WHY on God’s green earth would you subject me to smelling that at 8:00 on a Monday morning?  WHY, I ask?  WHY???  Fishy smells aren’t really that pleasant any time of day; however, rest assured – They’re even more disgusting first thing in the morning.  Take my word for it, if you’ve never experienced it.  The entire kitchen oozed raunchy, foul fish.  How can that even be appetizing to someone?  Clearly, whoever heated up their fish must be suffering from a [very] stuffy nose this morning.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t.  What’s worse is that yesterday, while recovering from the weekend and trying to prepare the boys for school today, I cleaned out my car, and Gerald had forgotten to take his lunch box out of it.  I brought it inside and emptied out its contents so he could make his lunch for today.  Guess what I found in there?  Nope, not just Fruit Roll-Up wrappers and sticky pudding spoons… I found one of my Tupperware bowls in there.  Well, what’s the big deal with that, you’re wondering, right?  Well, the big deal is that there was still macaroni and cheese in said bowl.  And it was 80 degrees here all weekend, making it more like 100 degrees in my car.  My first mistake was trying to save my bowl.  I knew when I made that decision that I was making the wrong one.  I should have just tossed the whole thing.  But… I love Tupperware, and I didn’t want to part with my favorite bowl with the cool vented lid.  Oh.  Em.  Gee.  BIG MISTAKE, PEOPLE.  Big mistake.  It reeked of sour, rotten milk.  And Gerald, of all people, had the nerve to gag!  Any of you who know me that I have a very sensitive gag reflex (sorry, TMI).  The mere sound of him gagging, coupled with the curdled milk smell, was enough to make me have to hold in the very mess that was forming in my throat.  Needless to say, I had finally recovered from that this morning when I walk in to fish hell.  I don’t know what I did to tick someone off, but someone must be trying to get sweet revenge.  Hmphh…


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