Category Archives: Blogging

I’m Sorry … Please Try Your Search Again


As I’m sure all bloggers discovered shortly after beginning their blogs, the search terms people use that ultimately lead them to our blogs are crazy!

My first look at the searches that directed weirdos to my blog was quite eye-opening.  And terrifying.  The crazies have most certainly found me.

A little over two months have passed since I last looked into what terms led these crazies searchers to my blog.  You can see those terms here.

Since that first examination, I’ve discovered that most of the people who are led to my blog through Google searches fit into one of 10 categories:

1. Creeper

“wow alicia your all grown up now”

Why, yes, I am.  But your observation is scaring me a little.

“mustache”

Let’s just hope this isn’t why you were searching for this:

Source: Quick Meme

Source: Quick Meme

“random boys phone numbers”

If he doesn’t know you exist, you probably shouldn’t call him.  That’s called stalking.

“waffle and alicia”

I’m sorry, but anything that includes me and a waffle is never going to happen.  Creep.

2. Perv

“young boys butt crack candid pix”

I hope someone captured your IP address because you need to go to jail.  P.S. – I hope you drop the soap.

“hot mon blow job to son huge dick jerking off”

I assume this is supposed to say “hot mom,” which makes this even more disgusting.  For some things, there just are no words…

“photos of young boys at playground”

I hope your next visitor is Chris Hansen.

Source: Know Your Meme

Source: Know Your Meme

“butt crack” – “boys buttcrack” – “girls buttcrack flickr” – “buttcrack blog”

Why the heck would you ever want to look at someone’s butt crack???  And why the heck are so many damn people Googling this?!

“pin porn preteen cute small little”

You’re a disgusting excuse of a man… That’s all I have to say about that.

3. Realist

“being a grown up sucks”

Oh, you have no idea, buddy…

“i love being white”

Sad this has to go in this category, but you know as well as I do, that it’s true.

Source: Lipstick Alley

Source: Lipstick Alley

“killer bird”

They’re all killers… All of them, I tell you!  Don’t let your guard down!

Okay... So THIS attack is awesome!

Okay… So THIS attack is awesome!

“i need an orgasm ecards”

We all do, honey… We all do.

“happy+to+have+no+kids”

So what??  You’re not exhausted and broke.  But I bet you also don’t have these!!

“i don’t like big balls”

Giiiiirl, me either.  What the !@#$  Did someone really search for that?!

4. Douchebag

“cmon man what dat white boy”

For some reason, I picture Vanilla Ice as the searcher here…

Source: last.fm

Source: last.fm

“once a hoe always a hoe rotten ecard”

What a classy gentleman you are.

“funny mexican women”

You’re probably one of those people who starts off your sentences with, “I don’t mean this racist, but …”  Jackass.

“stuck up people and people who walk around thinking they’re god’s gift sayings”

I can help with this one.  I have a saying for you: “You’re a douche face.”

“cant trust these hoes”

No, you can’t.  Hoes are known to be very shady.

Source: Bluelight

Source: Bluelight

“myrtle beach ratchet girl”

If you’re Googling ratchet girl, you’re probably quite a winner yourself, huh??

“saying for chunky girls”

First, you’re a jerk for asking.  Second, you can, in fact, find several answers to that throughout my blog.  Oops.

“rotten ecards large foreheads”

Is that really necessary?

“ugly face rotten ecards”

Daaaaaaamn!  Why you gotta’ go there?!

5. Nutcase  

“memes dont care willy wonka”

Why does this sound like it could be part of Plies’ next song?

“when will jesus return to earth”

I hope you’re not one of those nutjob cultist church members.  I have news for you: You will be wrong again.

Source: INC NOW

Source: INC NOW

“how to dismiss a ghost from house”

Try this: Stand on your head.  Spin around three times.  No, wait… the other way.  Sneeze once.  Get off your head.  Stand on one foot.  Jump up and down.  Tell it that it better not piss you off.  There!  It should be gone!  Let me know how it works out for you.

6. Sicko

“big brother pooped in little brother’s undies”

Uh, little bro can now keep those undies.

“stinky vaginas”

That’s not normal.  You should get that checked out.

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

“knocked up by my brother”

Wow.  Just wow.

7. Conspirator

 “obama divorce story”

I don’t think he’s ever been divorced, bro… but I’m sure you can find something else wrong with him.  You shouldn’t have to look very far.

8. Addict

“how come my penis meth”

You should probably seek some help.  They have NA meetings for that.

“can i make my own decisions at the age of 19?”

If you have to ask the Google this question, then probably not.  And I’d also bet on the fact that you’re probably dabbling in some things you shouldn’t be dabbling in.

9. Victim

“being stalked ecards”

Now’s probably not the time for an ecard.  Perhaps you should call the cops instead of playing on the Google.

“i regret my life so far”

Please seek immediate counseling.  This one is far beyond my expertise.

“after an abortion, the guy gave me a baby onesies as a cruel joke”

I’m just not sure what to say about this.  THAT is not a joke.  And HE is the epitome of jackasses.  I hope you’re not still with the winner.

10. Parent

“no social life 2013”

Don’t worry – that’s normal when you have kids.

“what happened to the cherry on the goodness gang”

I don’t know what happened to him, but I’m sure the gang won’t be the same without him.

“teen speak for rad”

This is one thing I can actually help with!  Woohoo!  See here for all the answers!

“child pretends brother’s breathing is too loud”

Are they driving you crazy yet?  Perhaps you should try reading for solutions.  My blog will certainly not help.

Source: Amazon

Source: Amazon

So… as you can see, I’ve had quite an array of Google searchers who’ve found my blog.  I hope for your sake, none of them have found yours, too.

What’s your favorite search term above?  Any of them creep you out as much as they have me?!

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“When you can stop, you don’t want to, and when you want to stop, you can’t…” ~Luke Davies


Okay, so I’d say my addiction has taken over.  And no, it’s not a Candy Crush addiction!

Source: daily haha

Source: daily haha

It’s an addiction to……….

……….Wordpress!

As you know, my post yesterday was a lot little controversial.  I meant it all in good fun.  I didn’t post it with the intention of seriously offending anyone… at least no more than I usually do.

So I’m not quite sure why I felt obligated to stare at my stats all day to make sure my number of followers didn’t start dropping all because of one potentially offensive post.  But – I did.  Obsessively.  Constantly.

By the time I was finally ready for bed, I was relieved to see that I didn’t lose any of my awesome blogger friends over one post.

Yet.

Only a few hours later, I was back on WordPress staring at the number of my loyal followers.  And that’s when it happened.

My number dropped by one.

Holy crap!  No!!!

And then another one.

Please stooooop!

And then two more.

What was happening?!  I didn’t mean to offend you, people!  It wasn’t that serious!

Finally, it dropped four more.  I lost eight followers!  I’m never going to be ineligible for the Liebster Award now…

All because of one quasi-funny post???  This sucks!  It didn’t even have all my political views on there because I didn’t want to really piss people off.

I couldn’t bear to watch my followers drop any more.  I got teary-eyed and was about to have a breakdown when all of a sudden I awoke in a cold sweat, still panicky.

Oh, thank God!  I was dreaming!

Wait… at least I think I was dreaming.  I immediately got on WordPress and went straight to my stats page.  WHEW!  No missing followers!

Sure.  Laugh it up.  You think it’s funny.  But it’s not!  I was seriously panicking over the thought of some of you guys dumping me already.  It’s only been four months, and all relationships have rocky moments here and there, right??

Don’t give up on me yet!  If I say something that offends you, just say something mean and awful back!  I can handle it.  And if I can’t, I’ll just blog about it!

The main problem I see here is that none of you can help me with my addiction.  You’re all damn addicts, too!  Bunch of enablers…

Okay, now on a brighter note…

Today’s my birthday, and they seriously get more depressing as I realize that more and more of my kids’ teachers are now younger than I am.

But Arden cheered me up this morning with the perfect card!

Does she know me well or what?!

Does she know me well or what?!

And the envelope was even better!

And Eugene cheered me up with the perfect drink!

It’s gonna’ be a great day, right?!  I mean, I might even get a senior citizen’s discount at the grocery store now… [sigh]

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

 


“The only escape from the miseries of life are music and cats…” ~Albert Schweitzer


As you all know by now, one of my favorite bloggers and favorite [nearly] crazy cat ladies is Arden.  Under normal circumstances, I would have nominated her for the Liebster Award, but the first time I received it she was my nominator, and I couldn’t nominate her back, and the second time I received it, she had already received it, too.  But… she definitely deserves another award because 1) she’s awesome, and 2) she needs something to blog about tomorrow.  Sooooo I’ve made up an award especially for her.

Please join me in welcoming Crazy Cat Lady Arden as the first only latest recipient of the MEDAL OF AWESOMENESS!!!

Here’s how this award works:

1. [Proudly] display the Medal of Awesomeness on your page.

2. Give a shout out to your nominator.

3. Nominate one of your favorite fellow bloggers to receive the Medal of Awesomeness so he or she can be as awesome as you.

4. Tell us 20 song lines or lyrics that best describe you/your life.

5. Your lyrics cannot have any reference to cats.  None.

Source: Fun Elf

Source: Fun Elf

Now, when we all have the same stinking song stuck in our heads all day, we’ll know exactly who to blame.  Congrats on being an AWESOMELY AWESOME blogger, Arden!!

Source: Favim.com

Source: Favim.com


“It’s the first time it’s happened to me and maybe the last. It’s a strange sensation, not normal for me.” ~Zinedine Zidane


Oh.  My.  Goodness.  People!!!  My blogging cherry has FINALLY been popped.  It took the longest two months in history, but yesterday I fiiiiinally reached 1,000 views!  I wish I could figure out exactly who my thousandth viewer was because I’d reach out over the Interwebs and kiss that blessed soul.

Source: Daily Picks and Flicks

Source: Daily Picks and Flicks

And it gets better!  That’s right – It gets better!  I also reached my best ever number of views this week!  Okay, now granted, it was on the day I posted three posts, but still.  Best ever!  Wait.  That’s still not all!  I’ve also picked up FIVE new followers so far this week!  Maybe I do deserve all those awards after all…

So as I was sitting here analyzing and overanalyzing my stats page (you know you do it, too), I noticed that I have the best search engine terms ever.  Here are some of the scary amazing ones:

1. “does jacking off help with panic attacks”

If whoever ran this search could let me know what he found, I’d be interested to know the answer to that.  I doubt you found it in one of my blogs, although maybe I should do some research and blog my results.

2. “sister walks in on brother in shower”

Um, sick.  Knock.  Or lock the dang door.

Source: DIY LOL

Source: DIY LOL

3. “little boys butt crack”

Really?  Sick perv.  You’ll be the next psycho on “To Catch a Predator.”

4. “how the eyes sink into the skull”

Hmm, I’m not so sure about this one.  Sounds a little sick to me.  Must have been either a meth head or a zombie.  They’re very similar, you know…

5. “son farted pooped diapers dinner table blog”

Did someone really write a blog about this?  I bet she hasn’t even reached a thousand views yet.  Smh.

6. “your crazy and i hate you”

I would be willing to bet that whoever did this search (albeit with very poor grammar) found exactly what they were looking for on my always-positive blog.

Source: Rotten eCards

Source: Rotten eCards

7. “women are crazy”

Ding ding ding!  And YOU, Mr. Google Searcher, are the winner, as you did not phrase your search in the form of a question because you already knew this!  Smart man.

8. “nothing more beautiful than a woman walking from behind”

So this one just made me laugh out loud.

9. “my under eyes are very skull”

Turn your autocorrect off, mister.

10. “hot mon blow job to son huge dick jering off”

Um, excuse me?  You want to run that by me one more time?  Good lawd, I hope he didn’t find what he was looking for in one of my posts.

11. “being deprived as a child”

Please seek professional help, as my blog will in no way, shape, or form provide any therapy that you may need.  In fact, you may end up more deprived than before you read my blog.

12. “teen douchebag girls”

Bahahahaha!  Twenty bucks says this search was run by a teen boy who just had his heart broken.  Poor guy.

13. “gang bully diapers pee fear”

Uh, what happened to the days of just stealing someone’s lunch money?

14. “skulliion .. this dayn isn gettin eeeper”

Were you drunk when you typed this?  I hope so because I’m just not sure I know what to say to that.

So… as you can see, it’s no wonder my views have increased.  Apparently it doesn’t matter what you type into the Google – my blog will pop up.  Unfortunately for me, however, I’m not sure that anyone who’s not certifiably crazy has seen it.  With that being said, though, I’ll take the views however I can get them.

Source: someecards

Source: someecards


“What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser—that’s why he’s number two.” ~Jarod Kintz


So I just finished changing my pants since I peed from excitement when I saw that Arden created the I Mustache You a Question Award and nominated me, albeit only because I sit next to her all day, and she thought I’d bitch about not winning.  Geez.  Anyhow, that’s not what matters, right?  What really matters is that my awards list is getting longer by the day!  Even Bitter Ben awarded me with his Bitterly Pressed Award because he’s trying to piss off Arden.  I’m beginning to like how this whole award thing works… piss a bunch of people off and shower Alicia with awards in the process!  This is a win-win for me!  Thanks Arden!!!

Anyway, back to business.  Here are the rules for this bomb-diggity award:

1. Add the award badge to your blog page.

I Mustache You a Question Award

2. Thank the person who nominated you.  (Thanks Arden!)

3. Answer your nominator’s question.

4. Nominate two bloggers for the award to keep it going.

5. Ask the new winners your incredible question.

6. When you’re awarded this, think of your two favorite bloggers at that very moment.  Here are your winners!

7. You can’t award the Mustache Award to the person who nominated you.  Make someone else’s day.

First, I’ll reveal my nominees for the ‘I Mustache You a Question Award.’  They are…..

“Normal” is the New Boring –

Blogging is the extent of her social life, as well.

 and

 TheLifeandTimesofaMom

She actually likes human contact.  She deserves an award for that in and of itself.

My question for both of these amazing ladies is:

If you could have a whole weekend with no kids to worry about and chase around, what would you do?  What would your fantasy weekend consist of?  (No guilt about not having the rugrats, either, by the way.)

Okay, now that that part’s out of the way, I’ll move on to Arden’s question for her nominees.  She asked “Is there something you’ve been holding back from someone that you just want to scream in their face but can’t (or won’t)?  It can be a friend, a coworker, a spouse or boyfriend, a relative.  Why haven’t you told them?”

Well, since you asked…

You all know how I feel about the one particular Turkey Leg Fatty Patty whom I see every day.  You know… the one who drives me insane with every single thing she does?  Well, last week while Arden was enjoying her amazing vacation, and I was stuck here to deal with Chunky McChunkerson on my own, I was surprisingly well-behaved.  I only gave her the look of death maybe three times a day, as opposed to the normal 15 times.  And, I did not scream in her face that she should never EVER wear that purple dress again.  Ever.  For the love of God.  Ever.

Why, you ask?  What was so wrong about the purple dress?

She looked like Violet Beauregarde.  When she turned into a blueberry.

Actual photograph of Turkey Legs

Actual photograph of Turkey Legs

On Friday, when the ice cream truck came for Employee Appreciation Week, I wanted to offer to roll her down to the parking lot just like any good Oompa Loompa would do.  But I didn’t.  I was scared she was going to pick the whole ice cream truck up and eat it.  (You know… like King Kong does when he picks up the girl??)

Me rolling Turkey Legs to the ice cream truck

My fellow co-workers and me rolling Turkey Legs to the ice cream truck

I held back.  I contained myself.  Why?

Simple:  I didn’t want to be eaten.


“Yeah, well. I don’t try to be awesome. It just comes natural.” ~Rick Riordan


Let me start off by saying that I hate love ArdenDamn Thank you, Arden.  Thank you so much for giving me the ABC Award!  According to my stats page, I don’t deserve this award, which leads me to believe that you really just want to watch me shifting and writhing uncomfortably in my chair all day as I try to respond to my nomination.  Yep.  That sounds about right.

Here are the rules to this award:

1. Add the ABC Award to your new post.

ABC Award

2. A-B-C about yourself using one word or phrase.  (No, you cannot leave out ‘Q’ or ‘X’)

3. Nominate however many blogs you’d like to receive this award.

4. Let the recipients you’ve chosen know via a link in their comments section of their blogs.

And now, let my misery begin…

Anal.  [I think you’ve already figured this out about me.]

B-e-a-utiful.  [Not really, but I love saying that.]

Candid.  [Arden knows this firsthand.]

Dookie fresh.

Excellent.

Frisky.

Ghostly.  [I need Charleston to feel like Charleston now, please.  It’s May.  I need a tan.]

Honest.  [Brutally so.]

Impatient.  [And Intimidating.]

Jealous.  [Of everyone who has more than 66 followers.  Pathetic.]

Knee-deep.  [In crap I don’t want to deal with today.]

Left-handed.

Mom.  [I don’t even know my real name anymore.]

Nauseous.  [I have the stomach flu at the moment.  Don’t worry, Arden… I won’t discuss poop.]

Overweightphobic.  [Also known as cacomorphobic.]

Political.  [Don’t get me started.]

Quite certain I’m capable of murder.

Realistic.  [Some like to call is pessimistic.  I would beg to differ.]

Sarcastic.  [Literally all the time.]

Traffic snob.  [If it’s more than 15 minutes away, I’m not going.]

Uncompromising.

Vexed.  [Anyone who reads my blog knows that this is pretty often.]

Wanting.  [I need want a vacation and a million dollars.]

X-wife.  [I wear that badge proudly.]

Yeller.  [I can admit it.  Maybe no one heard me the first time.  Maybe.]

Zealous.  [About several issues.  Again, don’t get me started…]

And no, without further adieu, my nominees for the ABC Award are:

Marriage, Motherhood and Madness.  Mia is hilarious, and she blogs for the same reason I do: to get some time to herself!  (She’s also the real Slim Shady, by the way.)

Ben’s Bitter Blog.  While he, too, is hilarious (and tall), he’s also jealous that Arden nominated me for the award.  Stop being bitter, Ben.  Now it’s your turn.


“Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write…can manage to escape the madness…which is inherent in a human situation.” ~Graham Greene


For me, blogging has become therapeutic, in a sense.  Obviously, as you all now know, I have a lot of few issues that I deal with on a pretty regular basis: anger problems, OCD, parenting troubles, anxiety, time management issues… the list goes on.  Instead of a seeing a psychologist, though, I’ve discovered that all of YOU are now my shrinks!  Who needs therapy and counseling when you have blogging?!

Source: rocketcitymom.com
Source: rocketcitymom.com

Reasons Why Blogging is Better Than Therapy:

1. Therapy consists of a relationship between you and a counselor, in which there is a mutual commitment.

* Blogging doesn’t require a commitment from anyone.

Source: Etsy

Source: Etsy

2. A therapist is used as a guide in exploring your feelings, thoughts, relationships, and behaviors.

* Blogging allows you explore your feelings and thoughts, as well.  If you doubt this, see here.  I think I did a pretty darn good job of exploring and sharing my feelings, no?

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

3. A therapist coaches you regarding learning about yourself and the way you relate to others.

* Isn’t that what our fellow bloggers do in the “Comments” section?!

Source: The Daily Uplift

Source: The Daily Uplift

4. Therapy helps you discuss many issues, such as deep anger and regrets.

* Well, obviously we bloggers discuss those things pretty openly, too.

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

5. Therapy can become pretty expensive and usually costs around $100 per hour.

* Blogging is free!!  (Suckers!)

Source: Funny Times

Source: Funny Times

6. Therapists usually have a bunch of letters after their names, and most people don’t even know what they mean.

* My blogger therapists only have .com after their names.  Much easier to understand, right?

Source: Interesting and Fun

Source: Interesting and Fun

7. People who get therapy are often labeled as “crazy.”

* People who blog are just seen as “creative.”  [wink, wink]

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

8. Therapy can be somewhat intimidating when you have someone sitting across from you just staring at you, eagerly anticipating your every word so they can then judge “diagnose” you.

* Bloggers can feel comfortable saying whatever the heck they want (obviously, in my case) without ever having to lay eyes on their “judgers.”

Source: Cafe Press

Source: Cafe Press

9. You’re stuck reading a bunch of fine print about confidentiality in therapy.

* Wait, what?!  You mean my blog isn’t private?  I would’ve guessed it was based on my stats page.  Oh well, I trust you all with my deepest, darkest secrets.  You guys usually have an equal amount of your own.  [Insert evil laugh here.]

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

10. In therapy, you need to cancel your appointments 24 hours in advance.

* If I don’t feel like blogging today, then dang it, I won’t blog today!

Source: thelaughinghousewife.wordpress.com

Source: thelaughinghousewife.wordpress.com

11. A lot of therapists won’t accept your medical insurance without issuing a diagnosis on your “condition.”

* My blogs are self-diagnoses that I’m crazy, and that means I don’t even need to use my insurance!!!

Source: 9LoLs.com

Source: 9LoLs.com

So, to make a long story short, I don’t need a therapist.  I have YOU people… and your therapy is free!  So thank you in advance for our many future counseling sessions.  And, most importantly, please don’t be so quick to diagnose me as crazy.  Or angry.  Or OCD.  Or bitter.  Or mean.  Or a bad mom.  You get the point–

Source: Zazzle

Source: Zazzle


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