Most people think they need their own personal assistants. Not me… Nope. I need a “No-Man.” I need someone to walk through every step of life with me, and every time I start to say, “Sure! Yes!,” I need my No-Man to interrupt me with a loud, confident, “NO!” Fortunately, Arden has volunteered herself for this position.
Seriously, though, I have a huge, innate inability to say no. I don’t know what it is. I’m not shy; I’m not introverted; I’m not quiet; I’m not a pushover. But I just can’t say no.
Here’s a recent example:
At the beginning of Gerald’s football season this year, the coaches had a meeting with us parents. They asked if anyone would volunteer to help out with things like emails and notifications of practices, etc. Everyone sat there for a good 30 seconds in silence. My inner voice was screaming, “No! Don’t do it! You swear every year that you’ll never do this again.” It was at that very moment that I heard my outer voice speak up… “Sure. I’ll do it!” Are you effing kidding me, Alicia? Here we go again. The coach was very thankful, and I used that fact to be a little less angry with myself.
Since that day, however, I haven’t only sent emails about practices and game schedules. Nope, not me… I’ve created a team website, I’ve videotaped all the games, and I’ve offered to pick some kids up and take them to games when their parents can’t make it themselves because of work. All of this while I have my own hectic, full-time job and two kids playing three sports per year in different leagues with practices and games at the same times in different locations. Why do I do this to myself?
Here’s another example:
At work, I’ve been swamped. In fact, swamped doesn’t even do it justice. As you may (or may not) have noticed, I disappeared from the blogging world for several weeks. This is because I was just drowning in work and schedule issues. Anyway, I’ve had several recent requests to take the lead on one project or another, and what have I said every stinking time, even though I’ve barely had time to even run across the hall to pee? “Sure. I’ll be happy to do it.”
Again… Are you kidding me?!
Here’s one final example:
Yesterday Ronald’s all-star travel football coach emailed all the parents of the players to tell us how much we could expect to have to pay for our tournament in Knoxville coming up in a few weeks. Then he asked for a volunteer treasurer to collect all the money from the parents and make the necessary collection arrangements.
I bet you can guess who that parent is… Yep. You got it.
When I told Arden that this morning, she offered to slap some sense into me, and I almost took her up on it. Why, exactly, is it that I just can’t say no?
I did a little research on the matter, and here’s what I found.
People often have a hard time saying no for the following reasons:
1. They want to help.
Okay, this one’s legit. I do want to help. So far, so good.
2. They’re afraid of being rude.
I ruled this one out because I’m not usually asked specifically or called-out to volunteer. I usually do so from an open invitation. Oh, and there’s one other reason I don’t fall into this category. I don’t really care if I’m rude.
3. They want to be agreeable.
I don’t typically worry about alienating myself from a group by not being in agreement with others, so again, I rule this one out.
4. They fear conflict.
As you all know by now, my dream in life is to become an attorney. This is because I usually thrive under conflict and don’t fear dissent. This one is nixed.
5. They fear lost opportunities.
I don’t fear doors closing in the situations in which I volunteer because they’re usually recreational. They don’t mean the possibility of more money or great status. They usually only mean undue, extra stress. Strike this one.
6. They don’t want to burn bridges.
This reminds me of the previous reason, so I’m going to rule this one out, as well. Also, I don’t really have to worry about relationships being damaged by turning a request down, as the only relationships that usually exist in these circumstances are mere acquaintance interactions.
Okay, so yes, we know I want to help, but certainly that’s not the only reason I kick myself several times a month, right? It can’t be. So what else could it be?
The only other reasons I could come up with on my own (with no thanks to the researchers who put the above list together) are that either some people may actually strive under stress (I can’t imagine…) or that I’m simply that much of a control-freak. Could this be it?
Yes, I want things done right, and yes, I try to do everything perfectly. This may account for some of it, but why should I care if someone else screws up at work or on the football emails? Do I care, really? I don’t think I do, but I can’t, for the life of me, think of any other reasons why I put myself in these situations.
Do you have any suggestions or deep insights that I may have missed? I’m all ears!
In the meantime, don’t ask me for anything. I’m saying “No” in advance!!!
(Okay, I’ll change my mind by the time you ask me, but I’ll definitely have Arden tell you “No” for me. So still… don’t ask!)
November 6th, 2013 at 2:49 pm
BEEN TELLING YOU THIS FOR YEARS. Glad she got the job.
November 6th, 2013 at 2:51 pm
Haha! She offered to do it for free!
November 6th, 2013 at 2:50 pm
Definitely the control freak one… yep 🙂
And don’t worry, I’ll just throw a stapler at you if I hear you say yes again.
November 6th, 2013 at 2:51 pm
You don’t have access to my email, right??? Hmm…
November 6th, 2013 at 3:04 pm
Can you come over for a cocktail?
You need to get one of those old anti-drug t-shirts that says “Just Say No!” and point at it when you get asked a question that you are dying to say no to but knowing when you open your mouth to breathe, a yes will eek out.
November 6th, 2013 at 3:39 pm
Omg – I wish I was on my way to cocktail it with you right now!
That’s a fantabulous idea!!!
November 6th, 2013 at 3:09 pm
I’m the same way, this just recently got me helping with stuff at 6 in the morning on my day off. P.S. I’m glad you’re back.
November 6th, 2013 at 3:39 pm
See… I would call YOU a sucker for that! Shame on me…
November 6th, 2013 at 3:41 pm
But I can’t say NOOOOOOOOOO!
November 6th, 2013 at 3:43 pm
Oh, I completely understand! It’s just amazing to me that I see it clearly when it’s other people who have that problem, yet I can’t stop myself!!
November 6th, 2013 at 3:43 pm
I’m the same way.
November 6th, 2013 at 3:11 pm
I am completely unqualified to give advice on this because I’m a yes-er myself. 🙂 I can say the buddy system works, though. My best friends have been known to unvolunteer me when needed. 🙂
November 6th, 2013 at 3:40 pm
I need to start dragging people along with me everywhere I go! The boys only roll their eyes at me now…
November 6th, 2013 at 3:49 pm
dear lord she lives.
I seriously jsut asked your where abouts the other day! and IF you were ok. NOW that I know your alive and well bent on helping the world…..I need to go now….love you mean it… 😉
November 6th, 2013 at 3:55 pm
Hee hee! This just made me smile! I’ve been drowning in work, but alive nontheless. Oh, how I’ve missed you all!
November 6th, 2013 at 3:58 pm
OH HOW IVE MISSED YOUUUUUUU!!!!
Now, take care of all the lil chil’rens of the world…and puh’lease don’t call on me…I’ll be the first one to come a’callin…for the love…
November 6th, 2013 at 4:00 pm
Hahahaha! I love it!
November 6th, 2013 at 4:00 pm
I’m going to follow momma’s advice about not saying anything if’n I don’t have nuthin’ nice to say. I trust that Arden will not be the answer to your problem, and will in fact, somehow make it worse, so I’ll look forward to the updates.
November 6th, 2013 at 4:48 pm
Oh, yeah… ’cause you’ve always held your tongue when you’ve had not-so-nice things to say!
Arden and I have this under control, thank you very much.
November 6th, 2013 at 5:03 pm
In my head I just envisioned Arden asking a kitty cat hand puppet to be the final decision maker while you wait anxiously for Mr. Kitty’s verdict. Not gonna lie, it made me laugh out loud. I’m rooting for you though!
November 7th, 2013 at 9:08 am
Wow, Don… There are just no words for that lovely image.
November 7th, 2013 at 9:10 am
You better find some words for it, if you’re going to be bad ass lawyer. When’s the LSAT?
November 7th, 2013 at 9:16 am
Umm… let’s talk about something else. How’s the weather in your neck of the woods?
November 7th, 2013 at 9:18 am
Well, the sun is finally shining, but it’s a bit chilly, but don’t change the subject! Just go take it!!! Get a couple of the practice tests to take and you’ll do great.
November 7th, 2013 at 9:24 am
Yes, it’s chilly here at the beach, too. A little overcast, even.
😀
November 7th, 2013 at 9:27 am
SMH. Well, at least you get to use the words “here at the beach” when you talk about your chilly weather. I’ll let you be about this for now, dear. I’m glad to see you back around though, as I’ve missed you a little bit.
November 7th, 2013 at 9:30 am
In speaking to anyone else, I wouldn’t have thrown those words in there. For you, though, I would have disappointed myself had I not. I’m glad to be back… I don’t get heckled nearly as much in the “real” world!
November 6th, 2013 at 7:36 pm
I only do what I want to do, even if there’s lots to do. Usually what I want to do is fun for me, so I’ll procrastinate on the boring stuff and do the newly acquired fun stuff. Make sense?
November 7th, 2013 at 9:09 am
It does make sense, and it also makes you my hero!!
November 7th, 2013 at 2:39 am
I’m exactly the same! Just recently the treasurer of my AA group resigned and after a long silence I volunteered – AGAIN. I only got rid of it last year after 3 years in the post because I kept volunteering to stay on until someone else took it instead of saying “I’m stopping this next week – find someone else”. During the last year it yo-yoed between me and other short-time treasurers.
Fortunately others noticed how “unwilling” I was and someone else did it.
Guess who’s going to re-volunteer when the current treasurer resigns?
November 7th, 2013 at 9:15 am
Ah, Drali, you’re as big a sucker as I! It’s nice to know there are others out there who have exactly the same thought process that I have!
The more I think about your situation, the more I feel like your continuous role as treasurer is probably a good thing, as it most likely causes everyone to feel a sort of comfort and familiarity. Basically, your added stress comforts others – you’re taking one for the team!
November 7th, 2013 at 10:01 am
Yay! Good for me! I’m a real giver.
😦
There’s also the small added issue that it’s recommended that you’re at least 2 years sober to be the treasurer which reduces the candidate pool very significantly, and somehow along the way I’ve become a bit of an “old timer”! At 44!
November 7th, 2013 at 10:33 am
You should be proud then, and accept that position with honor!!
By the way… I love that: “the SMALL added issue…” 🙂
November 7th, 2013 at 10:45 am
Yeah, it was quite big really 🙂
November 7th, 2013 at 10:48 am
It was! And I’m so proud of you!!
November 7th, 2013 at 11:20 am
Thank you!
It’s nice to hear that once in a while 🙂
November 7th, 2013 at 9:36 pm
SO nice to see you back in the blogging saddle. Missed your spicy posts. Is it the silence that you cant stand? You are a bit, ah, high energy. You remind me very much of a good friend who also cant say no and is super competitive, super controlling. Running the show does give great satisfaction but not at the expense of your reserves. Everyone needs some down time.
November 8th, 2013 at 10:21 am
Aww, thank you! I’m glad to be back!
Yep – I’m definitely super competitive AND super controlling! You got me there! And I definitely need some down time – – like a VACATION!!
November 11th, 2013 at 3:48 pm
Welcome back 🙂
Good article, sometimes not saying no means we are our own worst enemy!
November 12th, 2013 at 12:38 pm
Boy, are you right about that!!!
November 12th, 2013 at 12:45 pm
🙂
November 14th, 2013 at 2:34 pm
It’s a dilemma, isn’t it? But a person can only do so much!
November 14th, 2013 at 3:00 pm
Yes, it is SUCH a dilemma! I hate it every time I’m faced with it!