As I get older, I’ve seen more and more “feminist” posts on the Internets, the Google, and the Facebook. They encourage us women to support one another and not be so damn mean and judgmental all the time. Every time I see one of these posts or articles, I stop and think about my real-life experiences. Are we really that critical and judgmental of each other? Okay – yes. The more I answer, “Yes,” the more I wonder why we’re that way. I can’t help but wonder if we’re actually wired that way – if we have something innately inside of us that causes us to be a little more critical of other women than we are of men (or, heck – even more than men are of other men).
For example, here’s a real-life situation that just happened a few weeks ago.
One of the women here at work recently came back from maternity leave. She really is one of the sweetest, quietest women I’ve ever met. You know… she’s one of those genuinely nice people who always smiles and asks how you’re doing. (Very unlike me…) Well anyway, like I said, she just came back to work after having her first child – an adorable, chubby-cheeked little girl.
While I was standing at the printer, she walked by me and stopped to say hello. This was the first time I had seen her since she’d been back to work. Of course, I excitedly asked her how she and the baby were doing, welcomed her back, and then told her…
…
… Wait for it …
…
“I can’t believe how great you look! You look amazing!”
Say what?! Why in the world was that one of the very first things out of my mouth? The funny thing, though, is that right as I started to internally question myself, another of our female coworkers walked up and said, “Wow, you really do look great!”
What in the world?? Do we automatically assume that someone’s supposed to weigh 400 pounds after having a child? Thankfully, I’ve never weighed anywhere even close to that, so I certainly know better.
So what made that my automatic first response then?
This is what has me wondering if women, in general, are perhaps biologically wired in such a way as to focus on the more superficial aspects of life, therefore causing us to naturally be more judgmental and critical of other women.
Let’s explore this for a minute.
Women have certain hormones that men don’t have. And those hormones have a tendency to fluctuate, sometimes dramatically, after several changes in our lives. Okay, fine… and every month. Could these hormones play a role in our judginess? [Yes, I made that word up. And I like it, darn it.]
Or maybe men are just as judgmental as we women are, but they don’t outwardly express it like we do. That makes sense to me, too, seeing as men are seemingly naturally quieter than women. I don’t know, men… you tell me. What is your first thought after you see a woman who’s just given birth?
Or… perhaps men are just more laid back than women and really could not care less about the things women seem to focus on. Maybe they just really don’t care if they match or if they look fat in their jeans.
Could women possibly need greater amounts of affirmation? Maybe we affirm other women because we would want the same compliment if the roles were reversed. I’m not going to lie – I would feel pretty good if someone told me they could never tell I just had a baby. On the flip-side of that, though, maybe we put other women down solely in an attempt to boost ourselves up.
Why is it that our self-esteem boosts often come at someone else’s expense? I would love to have a better understanding of this. In the meantime, however, I’m going to try to do a better job of controlling my thoughts and words, especially when they may be superficial, judgmental, or downright mean.
Women, I ask that you do the same. Let’s empower each other and not judge each other. Let’s encourage each other and not demean each other. And let’s stop tearing one another down and start building each other up.
If I had it to do over, I wouldn’t have told my coworker how great she looks.
I would have told her what a great mommy she’s going to be.
November 5th, 2013 at 1:52 pm
You don’t want to know what our first thoughts are post birthing. Trust me. Leave it alone.
November 5th, 2013 at 2:28 pm
Ha! Dummy – I didn’t mean THAT post-birth!!
November 5th, 2013 at 5:17 pm
It’s too simple. In this case y’all are speaking the same love language you want to hear – affirmation. Everyone woman knows they put on weight body changed etc. you just know they’d like to hear they look great because you would too.
We judge the size of the other guys TV, what he does for a living and how well his wife looks and how she treats him. None of which are ever shared for fear of exposing our own insecurities. Women apparently divt fear being a bitch to other women. Dudes never want to look like a bitch. Right Samuel Jackson?
November 5th, 2013 at 5:58 pm
I definitely agree that we compliment because that’s what we want, but we also don’t want to be criticized, so why do we do that? We’re so complicated…
November 5th, 2013 at 6:33 pm
The mean part is a deflection so the finger isn’t pointed at you. You point out negatives due to insecurities
November 6th, 2013 at 10:04 am
I agree – I mentioned that, actually.
November 5th, 2013 at 2:00 pm
I don’t know if this phenomenon is limited solely to women. I think it just gets expressed in different ways.
November 5th, 2013 at 4:27 pm
That’s what I wondered. How do men express it?
November 5th, 2013 at 4:52 pm
We punch each other.
November 5th, 2013 at 4:53 pm
Hahaha! That’s exactly what Draliman said, too!
November 5th, 2013 at 2:08 pm
I guess I’m not so superficial because whether or not a woman has just had a baby is irrelevant. My first thoughts are always, “I’d do her, I’d do her if she lost 15 pounds, or I bet I’d do her if I were drunk enough” regardless of birthing status. I’m a better person than you, I suppose.
November 5th, 2013 at 2:29 pm
I should’ve known better than to ask the men ANYTHING!! Hahaha!
November 5th, 2013 at 3:17 pm
Hahaha Don – of course! Alicia, women are mean because they have boobs. I’m kidding. Yes let’s all support each other – go team : )
November 5th, 2013 at 4:30 pm
Well, men ARE boobs. 😉
November 5th, 2013 at 2:49 pm
We men just get drunk and punch one another, That’s how we express our manly friendship, dislike, indifference etc.
Seriously though, you pose some interesting questions to which, sadly, I have no answers. I reckon though that for the most part, men think much the same things as women but they’re not as good at expressing themselves so they keep their mouths shut 🙂
November 5th, 2013 at 4:28 pm
Your description of men made me laugh out loud!
Although, your last sentence makes you a very smart man! 🙂
November 5th, 2013 at 4:31 pm
🙂
November 5th, 2013 at 2:53 pm
I try to keep my negative thoughts and judgements to myself and my blog or course, so usually there wouldn’t be any mention of how a girl looks because law suits. I believe that most men judge, but for the most part, we keep it in our thoughts(at least I do) and just don’t verbalize it. So none of us is perfect.
November 5th, 2013 at 4:29 pm
You keeping your negative thoughts to yourself just baffles me! 😉 But seriously, men keeping their thoughts to themselves seems to be the consensus. Smart men!
November 5th, 2013 at 4:40 pm
I told you I keep them to myself and my blog. By the way, welcome back to the living. You must have been a zombie for the last few months.
November 5th, 2013 at 4:54 pm
I am now a real-life member of the walking dead!
November 5th, 2013 at 5:05 pm
That’s interesting. I wouldn’t have thought of the implications of a compliment like that, but it’s very true. I think men are just unaware and don’t care about the things that many women tend to fixate on.
November 5th, 2013 at 5:56 pm
I definitely agree with you! In fact, they’re often clueless, aren’t they?! 😉 Sometimes I wish we didn’t overanalyze everything.
November 5th, 2013 at 7:24 pm
True true. My boyfriend always gets onto me because I like to analyze all the other people when we’re out at restaurants and speculate about the patrons and the staff and who’s doin’ who… It’s a special woman gift.
November 6th, 2013 at 10:05 am
Ha! You’re so right!
November 5th, 2013 at 5:37 pm
Great post! I think the more we become conscious of this in ourselves the better. Even when we compliment someone, there can be an unconscious put-down or comparison in there, and we don’t even hear it. Thank you for this!
November 5th, 2013 at 6:01 pm
Thank you so much. I love the way you put it. I feel like if I was more conscious of how a certain comment would make me feel, I’d be much more careful in the things I say.
November 5th, 2013 at 5:50 pm
Great post, Alicia! And men are idiots, why ask them anything? Kidding. Kind of..! 🙂 I have friends who’ve had babies and need/want to hear they look good after baby and others who could give two cares…but I think it is important to be aware of what we say before we say anything at all. Cheers!
November 5th, 2013 at 6:03 pm
Thank you sweetie! Uh, I have to agree with you! While Mollytopia was correct in that we have boobs and that’s what makes us different, I say that men ARE boobs, so I guess that explains a lot!! 😉
November 5th, 2013 at 9:28 pm
Great post, Alicia! And the comments are a fun read. Thanks!
November 6th, 2013 at 10:05 am
Thank you! 🙂
I can always count on a certain few people to make my post better with their comments!!