15 Things the Girls Who Like My Son Need to Know

First, let me make this very clear to you before I go any further.  I don’t like you.

Okay, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I have a few more things I need you to know.

1. You are only 13.  That means you need to act like you’re only 13.

2. You don’t need to wear shorts that show off your hoo-hah.  That should be a well-kept secret until you’re at least in college and preferably married.

3. You are a lady.  Watch your mouth, and sound like one, too.  Cursing every other word doesn’t make you sound cool.  It makes you sound trashy.

4. Your duckface is ugly.  Stop posting it all over Facebook.

5. You do not need to be using your phone in the middle of the night.  Only whores need to do that, and hopefully you are not a whore yet.

6. Do not text my son anything relating to what you’d like to do to him.  Because I promise you – your daddy will not like hearing about it.

7. You need to stop posting pictures in those shirts where your boobies are nearly popping out.  Please, for the sake of all things good and holy, save something for prom night.

8. If you ask my son to go to the movies with you, you better plan on answering a 50-question test when you get home, regarding every single aspect of the movie.  Including the last 30 seconds.

9. I know my son’s passwords… to everything.  Phone, Facebook, Instagram, e-mail, Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit, Linked in, Pinterest, everything.  Just keep that in mind.

10. I know how to aim and shoot a weapon.  Pretty well, in fact.  Daddies aren’t the only ones with shotguns.  Again, just a little something to keep in mind.

11. I will meet your parents before you ever step foot out of your house with my son.  And I will have their phone number programmed in my phone.

12. Remember, I will share all pictures you send to my son on my public Facebook page if I need to.

13. Smart girls are more attractive than stupid hussies.  Don’t play dumb.  It’s not cute.

14. If you ever come over to “study” with my son, you’d better believe that all you will be doing is studying.  And I will damn sure quiz you, so be prepared.

15. Getting pregnant will never be a retirement plan, so don’t even think about it.  It will never be your ticket out of your home town.  If you want him to stay with you forever, then just be a damn good girlfriend.  When you’re both 20.  Not 13.

Every trifling heifer who is constantly texting, calling, and messaging my 13-year-old son needs to read and understand this list first.  And then, after each one of them is sure she understands it, she needs to come meet me – to my face – and introduce herself like a lady with proper manners and grammar.  I just want to make sure they all know up front what to expect…

And now – just for gits and shiggles – these are some of the actual text messages I’ve received from said 13-year-old son.  Enjoy!

48 responses to “15 Things the Girls Who Like My Son Need to Know

  • donofalltrades

    Lol, the butt one was funny. GS sounds like a momma’s boy and a little bit of a snitch! Snitches get stitches remember!

    Ace has an ipod that she can message us with when she has wifi access. I don’t let her text her mother or I anything but grammatically correct sentences with properly spelled words. I suck like that!

  • Anja

    This had me laughing!!! My son is almost 19 and daughter 17 and I have said a lot of these same things. Love it

  • lisajohnsonsawyer

    I am peeing in my pants so help me!!
    I have a 13 year old son. I am with you 100%.
    I have a draft sitting right now almost similar. I will have to post next week when I get back. This is PRICELESS!!

    lil whores.

    • aliciabenton

      Ha! I so can’t wait to read it! These little girls today just aren’t the same as when we were growing up. And where the heck are their parents?! My mom would have KILLED me if I tried to walk out of the house wearing some of the things I see little girls in today!!!

  • on thehomefrontandbeyond

    8. addition to this — if you ask him out, you pay

  • bensbitterblog

    Copy, paste, send to all girls and boys that try to date my boy and girl.

  • ardenrr

    See!? Mom of the year! Don’t forget that school starts back on Wednesday! Or does it?? You should probably double check 🙂

  • Anna Lea West

    This is so solid. PERFECT 🙂

  • Jolene

    I loved this!!! I felt the same way when my son was dating some skank his freshman year in highschool…..I did catch her on a date with another boy and totally confronted her……..because earlier that day she was all about the I love yous to him and now she was all over this boy…..the full momma lion came out.

  • The Cutter

    That’s some good advice for girls everywhere, not just the ones who want to date your son.

  • draliman

    “…trifling heifer…”
    Ha ha 🙂

    Wow, you’ve got a 4G signal.

  • awkwardpro

    Hello! I feel a bit out of place here, being only 17, but I feel like these slutty 13 year old girls need a voice too.
    First off, not all girls in short-shorts and double piercing are whores. Yes, they are 13, but it’s hard to find a pair of shorts that aren’t that short. As a 13 year old girl, you will get teased brutally for wearing bermuda shorts. I was always taught that if I wasn’t physically attractive, then I was worth nothing. So, I wore the dumb slutty outfits, and they aren’t to impress your son, they are to impress their friends. When you aren’t born gorgeous, you need to try a bit harder.
    It just upsets me when people say just because you wear a bit more revealing clothing you are automatically begging for guys to use you, or that you are worth less. No. At least in my case I did it to feel better about myself, and finally considered myself to be worth something. That got me sexually assaulted and abused. I deserve it because I dress like a “slut”?
    If you are average looking growing up in todays society, there is two paths: either you are considered a prude or a slut. There are the few naturally gorgeous girls that can be decently dressed and still be considered pretty but how about us average girls?
    I’m not saying that you are never going to understand, you just have to take into account the culture those girls are growing up with. When I was in 5th grade my favorite song was “Fergilicious” in which she describes herself as “tasty”, and all through middle school I loved Ke$ha.
    Anyhow, please don’t judge one of those little girls because they look like a “whore”, yes, they might actually be “whoring around” and be complete bitches, but I see myself in those girls. I’m an all honors A student, president of the drama club, ambitious writer, and devoted granddaughter.

    • aliciabenton

      I am SO thankful for your comment. I must say, I agree with you 100 percent that unfortunately, it is becoming harder and harder to find decent looking clothes that will not cause worse judging than already exists. Sadly, not only has clothing gotten worse, but so has bullying. I hate it that young girls must choose between dressing inappropriately or being labeled for the rest of their years in school. That’s not fair. Several girls, however, show their trashiness not only in the way they dress, but also in their actions and their mouths. These are the girls to whom I was referring. Some of them have sent things regarding sex, drugs, and other completely inappropriate things for a 13-year-old to my son, assuming I guess, that I never see his messages. These are really what I was talking about. Thank you so much for your comment. You sound like an intelligent young lady, and I’m glad to have heard your side of this often mistaken issue.

  • Dadicus Grinch

    Love that you insist on proper grammar. On behalf of all English teachers, THANK YOU!

  • missandmisters

    Do you mind if, just for a moment, I pretend my boys will never grow up? I guess I’ve got a few more years to work on my list…

  • Is Everyone an Idiot but Me?

    I like the ‘yet’ in #5. You don’t have high hopes for these girls do you haha

  • wrotealetter

    Hey, I’m not a mom but I’m a sixteen-year-old girl, and I’m a ‘good’ girl since I never indulge in all not-needed business. I’m rather a bookworm, and I stick to strict principles (I’m sometimes mocked at due to this, but this only makes me prouder), but I go all wrong in love matters (you’ll see my posts describing them). I’ve fallen in love, and now I know it’s not as a bad thing I once considered it to be. Well, we still have got a lot to know. But I adore your post even if I’m a teenager. It’s good that you are careful!

    • aliciabenton

      Thank you for your comment! I’m so proud of you for standing behind who you are. It’s hard to be a good girl in today’s society, and it disgusts me that someone like you would ever be mocked for having morals. Love is such a hard thing at that age – I hope you start early with demanding respect and not allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. I also hope you know that my post was really more of a joke, and I don’t think all teenage girls are bad or trashy. I certainly know that that’s not the case.

      • wrotealetter

        Even if I was mocked at and hurt long time back, I’m stronger now. Their stares and insults don’t really hurt me now, for I keep on with my work whatever happens. Yes, love is hard, specially when it’s unrequited. But there are some moments in love (support) which actually gave me strength out of the blue.
        No, your post is really a good one, here are many parents who are not careful, and their children go on like wild animals, whereas there are many parents overly strict, and their children find it suffocating to live with them. But I know you are a good mother. 🙂

  • John

    Ha! Jesus you are overprotective! You have a son not a daughter. He can make his own choices quit being so irritating. If I was him, I’d tell you to back off of my relationships and let me do the judging. YOU are not dating these girls, HE is dating them. He makes the decisions, not a psychotic overprotective judgemental woman. All you see in these girls are the clothes they wear and you slap “whore” on their face. You don’t know them, they’re probably not even wearing those clothes for attention, just to fit in. You really need to take a deep breathe and realize that your son will never become pregnant. Hehe

  • John

    And he snitches?! You have nothing to worry about this kid.

    (That’s against my religion haha)

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