Monthly Archives: July 2013

20 Reasons Why I Would Make a Terrible Teacher

Jolene (from Valley Girl Gone Country) and I were recently discussing how amazing teachers and child care workers are and how we could never deal with kids all day.

The conversation got me to thinking about why I would make a terrible, awful, rotten teacher.  Here’s what I discovered:

1. I hate all kids, except my own.  Some days, even that’s questionable.

2. I hate parents, too.

Source: ThinkNice

Source: ThinkNice

3. They should have never done away with spankings in school.

Source: A Southerner in San Francisco

Source: A Southerner in San Francisco

4. I only like drama on TV.  Save it for Springer, honey…

Source: Nick Mom

Source: Nick Mom

5. We would have “movie day” every day.

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

6. This is what my classroom toys would consist of:

Source: tumblr

Source: tumblr

7. I can’t stand kids who have no manners.

Source: Facebook

Source: Facebook

8. I don’t do poop…

Source: Sh*t My Kids Ruined

Source: Sh*t My Kids Ruined

9. Or puke…

Source: UGO

Source: UGO

10. Or snot.

Source: UGO

Source: UGO

11. I can’t tolerate whining.

Source: UGO

Source: UGO

12. My OCD tendencies would likely pose a problem.

Source: Flickr

Source: Flickr

13. I despise bad grammar.

Source: Belch

Source: Belch

14. I lack patience.

Source: US History Worksheets

Source: US History Worksheets

15. I’m a yeller and have a bit of a temper.

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

16. I’m honest… to a fault.

Source: Feedio

Source: Feedio

17. No one likes a brown-noser.

Source: eBaum's World

Source: eBaum’s World

18. I have a hard time keeping a straight face when something’s hilarious.

Source: UFC Fight Club

Source: UFC Fight Club

19. There is such a thing as a stupid question… to which I will always give a sarcastic answer.



20. I would totally do something like this:

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

See??  These are why I could never, in a million years, be a teacher.  It would be utterly disastrous.  To all those out there who do teach, you are amazing.  And crazy.

If Being Awesome Was a Crime, I’d Be Serving a Life Sentence

Once again, I’ve been shocked and humbled… I got a notification yesterday from the mmmmm family that she nominated me for The Versatile Blogger Award!  She made no mention of me being old (ahem) or weird (ahem).  She just mentioned “well done” and “lovely,” thank you very much.

If you haven’t checked out her blog, by the way, do it now!  She’s an amazing wife and mommy.  And she’s brave, caring, and funny.  Thank you so much for the award, Michaela!!!

Now, on to the rules of this award:

1. Display the award on your page.

2. Announce your win with a post.  Link back to your nominator as a ‘thank you’ for the nomination.

3. Present 15 awards to other deserving bloggers, and let them know you’ve nominated them.

4. Post 7 interesting things about yourself.

Let’s get the 7 things out of the way first:

1. I am officially in “study for the LSAT” mode now.  I got this.  (Yes, I’m trying to convince myself more than you.)

2. I used to wish that I was Kelly Kapowski.  

Source: wikia

Source: wikia

So I would grow up to look like this:  (You’re welcome.)

Source: Barstool Sports

Source: Barstool Sports

3. I love going to the dentist.  Yes, I said love.

Source: Jokeroo

Source: Jokeroo

4. I can’t take any type of cold or allergy medicine.  It’s like crack.  Seriously. 

Me on cold medicine:

Source: Celebitchy

Source: Celebitchy

5. I hate orange foods.  All of them.  Yuck.

Source: Squidoo

Source: Squidoo

6. I can speak a little bit of French.  I took five years of it – I should know more than a little.

Source: Doble LOL

Source: Doble LOL

7. I hate surprises. 

And now… here are my 15 nominees for the Versatile Blogger Award (along with my favorite quotes from their pages):

1. rarasaur “Cows don’t use toilets.”

2. E’s Blog “If I don’t say anything, no one will know who I am. If I say too much, I’m a conceited asshole.”

3. Main Street Musings “In my L.A. world, lobster came pre cracked, along with a bowl of warm lemon water for hand washing, and a plastic bib that said ‘Red Lobster.’”

4. Mollytopia – “I’d rather eat a deep-fried turd than say anything about myself…”

5. That Unique* Weblog “More than once I have muttered, ‘I’m going to stick a fork in my eye’…”

6. LIFE: everyone has one! “I run faster, I look better in a wife beater, and I could probably beat her in arm wrestling or regular wrestling, if she was brave enough to try…..Plus mom likes me better!!”

7. Ben’s Bitter Blog “I immediately screamed like a little girl.”

8. don of all trades “I can do many things half-assed.”

9. Other than Lovie “This growing old shit is for the birds.”

10. Anna Lea West “The perfect day would include loved ones, mexican food and seeing someone bounce off a sliding glass door.”

11. Adventures, Aspirations and “Aha” Moments “Fake it till you make it.”

12. anelephantcant “Occasionally funny, sometimes serious, mostly pointless.”

13. Dadicus Grinch “I look part chicken, part zombie, and 100% creeper.”

14. RePrEsSeD ExPrEsSiOnS “No, idiot, you broke my concentration, now it’s starting to dribble out!”

15. “Normal” is the New Boring “Parenting is a special kind of crazy…”

Thank you again for the award, Michaela!

“You make the Titanic look like a tiny little misadventure.” ~Gina Ranalli

The recent death of radio star Kidd Kraddick reminded me of a time I almost won a thousand dollars.  Almost.

It was September 22, 2011.  Kidd was running a contest called Credit Card Roulette.  The object was that he would announce a four-digit number, and if you had a credit card that ended in those digits, you were supposed to upload a picture of those numbers from your card.

Then, they would select three listeners whose numbers matched, and Kidd would call all three names out on air.  The first of the three listeners to call in would win $1,000.

Let me begin by backing up a little.  I listened to Kidd Kraddick in the Morning every single morning.  From start to finish.  I would turn it on the second I got in the car in the morning, listen to it all the way to work, and then once I got to work, I’d listen to the rest of the morning’s show on my computer.

I even had the boys looking forward to listening every morning.  Their favorite was Hizziewood Hizzle and Kinsey.  “J-Si, what the hell…”

And every single day that I had those matching four numbers, I’d take a picture of half of my credit card, upload it, and wait for my name to be called.  Only, every day, that didn’t happen.  He’d call Suzie and Billy and Sammy.  Or April and Lisa and Angela.

But he’d never call Alicia.

There was one morning that I had to drive about two hours to the nearest Federal Court to file a Complaint.  As usual, I was listening to KKITM, but eventually I got nothing but static.  Bummed, I found another clear station, got to the Court, filed my Complaint, and headed back to work.

When I got back, I couldn’t wait to catch up on the half of the show I’d missed when the radio station went out.  I played the second half of that morning’s show from my desk.  When the Credit Card Roulette segment came up, this is what I heard:

“The three listeners with today’s Credit Card Roulette numbers are … Alicia Benton … Jane Dow … and June Doe.  The first of the three to call us at 1-800-543-3548 will win $1,000!!!”


I couldn’t believe what I’d heard.  Thinking I must be going crazy, I rewound the video, and I listened to it again.  “The three listeners with today’s Credit Card Roulette numbers are … Alicia Benton …”


I continued to listen through the song they played right after announcing the names – which included MINE – and as one of the bitches called in and won MY money!

I sat in disbelief, more pissed off at myself for listening to the show than for having to miss that segment that morning.  Why did I even have to go back and listen to it?!

Of course, I then made it worse by thinking about it a million and ten times over the next few weeks.  I played that part of the show over and over and over.  And over.  I made my mom listen to it and my sister listen to it and the hubby listen to it.  I just couldn’t believe that the ONE show I missed was the one where Kidd finally called my name.

And I KNOW I would have been the first to call in.  I’d had the number programmed in my phone for the two months prior that they’d been running that contest.  Dammit!

Anyway, as I recall that bittersweet moment, I remember, with fondness, all the mornings I’d spend on my way to work, tears rolling down my cheeks from laughter.  Kidd, Kellie, Big Al, J-Si, and Jenna would make all of my mornings better.  It’s a shame that the mastermind behind the funniest morning show on the air has passed away far too young.

Rest in peace, Kidd Kraddick.

Source: tumblr

Source: tumblr

We’re Gonna’ Party Like It’s Nineteen Ninety… TWO???!


Average New House Cost: $122,500

Average Yearly Income: $30,030

Average Monthly Rent: $519

Cost of Gas: $1.05

Cost of a Pound of Bacon: $1.92

U.S. President: George H.W. Bush

Movies: Aladdin – Batman Returns – A Few Good Men – Sister Act – The Bodyguard – Wayne’s World – Basic Instinct – Honey, I Blew Up the Kids

Musicians: Pearl Jam – Color Me Badd – Nirvana – Boyz II Men – Madonna – U2 – Kiss – Mariah Carey – Bon Jovi – Eric Clapton – Def Leppard – Metallica – and of course, Michael Jackson

TV Shows: Law & Order – America’s Funniest Home Videos – Home Improvement – Rugrats – Jerry Springer – Ren & Stimpy – Matlock – Oprah – Married… with Children

January 1992: George Bush pukes in the Japanese Prime Minister’s lap.

February 1992: Mike Tyson is found guilty of rape.

March 1992: Bill Clinton is declared the likely winner of the Democratic primaries.

April 1992: Microsoft releases Windows 3.1.

May 1992: Space Shuttle Endeavour makes it maiden flight.

June 1992: I graduate from 5th grade!

July 1992: Drug lord Pablo Escobar escapes from prison.

August 1992: Hurricane Andrew hits Florida and kills 23 people.

September 1992: Over 165 people are arrested for money laundering in relation to cocaine trafficking in the U.S., Colombia, and Italy.

October 1992: Cartoon Network is first broadcasted on TV.

November 1992: Bill Clinton is elected the 42nd President of the United States.

December 1992: President Bush flies spends New Year’s with U.S. troops in Somalia.


In case you missed it, the most important thing in 1992 happened in June – I graduated from elementary school!  This is a big deal, people!  It’s your last year as a “kid” – Next year, you’re off to the dreaded middle school to begin those years of non-stop obnoxiousness, bad attitudes, and raging hormones.

All of us in Pakansink Elementary’s Class of ’92 were nervous and excited at the same time about getting ready to say goodbye to our baby school and enter the terrifying world of lockers and changing classes.  That was obviously back before the days of cell phones, so we all said our goodbyes to each other, knowing that most of us wouldn’t see our friends until that September, when we would be standing, lost, in the halls of middle school hell, hoping to at least catch a glimpse of each other during lunch.

Of course we all had yearbooks in which we scribbled our promises to keep in touch and call each other from the rotary phones that hung by tangled cords in our kitchens.  But everyone in our class also got a t-shirt.  The teachers passed around marker pens so we could all sign our names on our BFFs’ shirts, in an attempt to never forget the good old days of chasing each other around the playground.

And that’s just what we did… We created memories on that last day of school that some of us may have forgotten in time.  But not me… I still cling to those memories of not having a care in the world.  I reminisce often about the days where we were still embarrassed to talk to that cute boy or shopped for hours looking for the perfect Barbie birthday present.

Fortunately, I’ve reconnected with my closest Class of ’92 BFFs on Facebook.  It’s amazing to me how more than 20 years can pass between conversations with girlfriends, yet we can pick up right where we left off, updating each other on the highs and lows of real life without missing a beat.  Friendship is truly an incredible thing.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Masterpiece

Masterpiece. No matter where you are (and where you’ve been), I’m certain you’ve stumbled upon something extraordinary: a place that blows your mind; a work of art or object that speaks to you; or even a location or scene that’s special, unusual, or even magical in some way.


When I read this and thought about it for a few minutes, I realized that I didn’t have to look to some foreign work of architecture to find beauty, but rather, needed only to look in my own back yard.  Our South Carolina State House, in Columbia, is a beautiful masterpiece.  Built in 1854 and completed in 1903, it was eventually designated a National Historic Landmark.  Today, it adorns six bronze stars, representing the places where it was hit with shells from General Sherman’s cannons during the Civil War.

Alicia Benton Photography

Alicia Benton Photography

Alicia Benton Photography

Alicia Benton Photography

Alicia Benton Photography

Alicia Benton Photography

Alicia Benton Photography

Alicia Benton Photography

Alicia Benton Photography

Alicia Benton Photography

Alicia Benton Photography

Alicia Benton Photography






I’m Sorry … Please Try Your Search Again

As I’m sure all bloggers discovered shortly after beginning their blogs, the search terms people use that ultimately lead them to our blogs are crazy!

My first look at the searches that directed weirdos to my blog was quite eye-opening.  And terrifying.  The crazies have most certainly found me.

A little over two months have passed since I last looked into what terms led these crazies searchers to my blog.  You can see those terms here.

Since that first examination, I’ve discovered that most of the people who are led to my blog through Google searches fit into one of 10 categories:

1. Creeper

“wow alicia your all grown up now”

Why, yes, I am.  But your observation is scaring me a little.


Let’s just hope this isn’t why you were searching for this:

Source: Quick Meme

Source: Quick Meme

“random boys phone numbers”

If he doesn’t know you exist, you probably shouldn’t call him.  That’s called stalking.

“waffle and alicia”

I’m sorry, but anything that includes me and a waffle is never going to happen.  Creep.

2. Perv

“young boys butt crack candid pix”

I hope someone captured your IP address because you need to go to jail.  P.S. – I hope you drop the soap.

“hot mon blow job to son huge dick jerking off”

I assume this is supposed to say “hot mom,” which makes this even more disgusting.  For some things, there just are no words…

“photos of young boys at playground”

I hope your next visitor is Chris Hansen.

Source: Know Your Meme

Source: Know Your Meme

“butt crack” – “boys buttcrack” – “girls buttcrack flickr” – “buttcrack blog”

Why the heck would you ever want to look at someone’s butt crack???  And why the heck are so many damn people Googling this?!

“pin porn preteen cute small little”

You’re a disgusting excuse of a man… That’s all I have to say about that.

3. Realist

“being a grown up sucks”

Oh, you have no idea, buddy…

“i love being white”

Sad this has to go in this category, but you know as well as I do, that it’s true.

Source: Lipstick Alley

Source: Lipstick Alley

“killer bird”

They’re all killers… All of them, I tell you!  Don’t let your guard down!

Okay... So THIS attack is awesome!

Okay… So THIS attack is awesome!

“i need an orgasm ecards”

We all do, honey… We all do.


So what??  You’re not exhausted and broke.  But I bet you also don’t have these!!

“i don’t like big balls”

Giiiiirl, me either.  What the !@#$  Did someone really search for that?!

4. Douchebag

“cmon man what dat white boy”

For some reason, I picture Vanilla Ice as the searcher here…



“once a hoe always a hoe rotten ecard”

What a classy gentleman you are.

“funny mexican women”

You’re probably one of those people who starts off your sentences with, “I don’t mean this racist, but …”  Jackass.

“stuck up people and people who walk around thinking they’re god’s gift sayings”

I can help with this one.  I have a saying for you: “You’re a douche face.”

“cant trust these hoes”

No, you can’t.  Hoes are known to be very shady.

Source: Bluelight

Source: Bluelight

“myrtle beach ratchet girl”

If you’re Googling ratchet girl, you’re probably quite a winner yourself, huh??

“saying for chunky girls”

First, you’re a jerk for asking.  Second, you can, in fact, find several answers to that throughout my blog.  Oops.

“rotten ecards large foreheads”

Is that really necessary?

“ugly face rotten ecards”

Daaaaaaamn!  Why you gotta’ go there?!

5. Nutcase  

“memes dont care willy wonka”

Why does this sound like it could be part of Plies’ next song?

“when will jesus return to earth”

I hope you’re not one of those nutjob cultist church members.  I have news for you: You will be wrong again.

Source: INC NOW

Source: INC NOW

“how to dismiss a ghost from house”

Try this: Stand on your head.  Spin around three times.  No, wait… the other way.  Sneeze once.  Get off your head.  Stand on one foot.  Jump up and down.  Tell it that it better not piss you off.  There!  It should be gone!  Let me know how it works out for you.

6. Sicko

“big brother pooped in little brother’s undies”

Uh, little bro can now keep those undies.

“stinky vaginas”

That’s not normal.  You should get that checked out.

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

“knocked up by my brother”

Wow.  Just wow.

7. Conspirator

 “obama divorce story”

I don’t think he’s ever been divorced, bro… but I’m sure you can find something else wrong with him.  You shouldn’t have to look very far.

8. Addict

“how come my penis meth”

You should probably seek some help.  They have NA meetings for that.

“can i make my own decisions at the age of 19?”

If you have to ask the Google this question, then probably not.  And I’d also bet on the fact that you’re probably dabbling in some things you shouldn’t be dabbling in.

9. Victim

“being stalked ecards”

Now’s probably not the time for an ecard.  Perhaps you should call the cops instead of playing on the Google.

“i regret my life so far”

Please seek immediate counseling.  This one is far beyond my expertise.

“after an abortion, the guy gave me a baby onesies as a cruel joke”

I’m just not sure what to say about this.  THAT is not a joke.  And HE is the epitome of jackasses.  I hope you’re not still with the winner.

10. Parent

“no social life 2013”

Don’t worry – that’s normal when you have kids.

“what happened to the cherry on the goodness gang”

I don’t know what happened to him, but I’m sure the gang won’t be the same without him.

“teen speak for rad”

This is one thing I can actually help with!  Woohoo!  See here for all the answers!

“child pretends brother’s breathing is too loud”

Are they driving you crazy yet?  Perhaps you should try reading for solutions.  My blog will certainly not help.

Source: Amazon

Source: Amazon

So… as you can see, I’ve had quite an array of Google searchers who’ve found my blog.  I hope for your sake, none of them have found yours, too.

What’s your favorite search term above?  Any of them creep you out as much as they have me?!

Daily Prompt: A Friend in Need

Today’s Daily Prompt:

Finish this sentence: “My closest friend is…”

Photographers, artists, poets: show us FRIENDSHIP.

Photo by Leslie Dobbe Photography

Photo by Leslie Dobbe Photography

My closest friend is my little sister.

I was 19 months old when she ruined my title of “only child,” so I spent much of my childhood trying to pay her back.
I cut her Barbie dolls’ hair and ripped their heads off.
I pushed her off her bed, and I scared her by telling her there were ghosts in her room.
I made her take the first bites of mud pie.

I always made her be the dad when we played house.
I ripped her favorite baby doll’s arm off.
We fought, we played, and we fought some more.
I told her that her boyfriends sucked, and she told me that mine did.
I covered for her the first time she got drunk so that Mom wouldn’t kill her.
Then I had babies, and she suddenly turned into the best aunt in the whole world.

During my darkest times, she was the only one who was there for me.
If I needed money, she was there.
If I needed a babysitter, she was there.
If I needed a dance partner, she was there.  Well, in the cage, but there nonetheless.
Then the day came that she was no longer mine, but her new husband’s.
And I bawled my eyes out.
Photo by Leslie Dobbe Photography

Photo by Leslie Dobbe Photography

She wasn’t a little girl anymore, but a beautiful young woman.
My comfort comes in knowing that there’s never anyone who can take her place.
We’ll always have our inside jokes and silly stories from growing up.
She’ll always have a very special place deep inside my heart.
And my only solace comes from knowing that she’ll always be my closest friend…
And My Little Sister.
Photo by Leslie Dobbe Photography

Photo by Leslie Dobbe Photography

Having a Child Doesn’t Make You a Parent

Source: Completely Serious Comics

Source: Completely Serious Comics

How does one become a parent? 

That may seem like a silly question, and your automatic first response may be, “Well, you have sex, duh, and then once you get pregnant and your baby is born, you’re a parent.” 

Seems legit, but I disagree.  Let me explain.

First, let’s review the general characteristics of parents:

1. They’re tired.

Parents work their butts off to raise their children to become respectful, responsible, hardworking adults.  They often work full-time in order to provide for their kids.  When they’re not at work, they can often be found cleaning up after, cooking for, or caring for their children.  Beyond even that, however, they are also responsible for toting their kids around from sporting event to band practice to tutoring to student council meeting.  The bottom line is: They never stop or get a break!

2. They’re broke.

Kids are expensive!  The always need something: food [geez!], clothes that fit because they won’t stop growing, supplies for school, money for the movies, etc.  I don’t know how it is for other parents, but it seems like as soon as I get a little bit of money in savings, one of the kids gets nominated for a once-in-a-lifetime chance to participate in a youth leadership conference in Washington, D.C., and welp… there goes my savings!

3. They’re stressed.

Parenting is hard work – and stressful!  Parents are constantly worried about or for their children.  Are they safe in school?  Are they hanging out with the right crowd?  Are they being introduced to drugs and sex?  (Lord, I hope not.)  Am I doing a good job?  All of these are normal and common stressors regarding parenting.  To sum it up, parents are always worried about something.

4. They’re loving.

Parents love no one more than their children.  If their child was ever in danger, they would switch places with him or her in a split-second.  They love their kids and want to see them succeed in everything – school, sports, relationships, friendships.  The want the best for their children, and they worry about failure.  Parents hurt when their kids hurt, and they’re happy when their kids are happy.  They tell their children that they love them a hundred times a day – sometimes to the point that it drives the kids crazy!

5. They’re approving.                                        

Parents praise their children when they’re proud of them or when they try new things.  They encourage them and guide them.  They often lovingly push them when they’re at the point of giving up on something.  They teach them that it’s okay to be different and that they should be leaders and not just followers of the crowd.  In the case of a failure or setback, parents are the ones standing behind their children, heads held high, patting them on the back and encouraging them to try again.  They’re not judgmental or humiliating.

6. They’re consistent.

“No, you can’t go to that party just because Johnny’s mom is letting him go.  We’ve already discussed this, and I haven’t changed my mind.”  Parents work hard to enforce rules that are beneficial to their children, even when that makes them the bad guys.

7. They’re role models.

Parents are always careful of their own actions and words because they know that they’re being watched by little eyes.  They know that their kids notice every little thing, and they will repeat what they see and hear.

I’m sure we all know (or have even dealt with) that person who has children, yet doesn’t possess these characteristics.  We’ve seen those people – or again, have dealt with those people – who fit in the following list:

1. They’re not tired.

They have no idea if their children are respectful or responsible, and they don’t clean up after or cook for their kids.  In fact, sometimes they don’t know how their kids are doing in school or even what school they attend.  They don’t attend sporting events or extracurricular activities.  They could be called deadbeats.

2. They’re not broke.

Sometimes they may or may not contribute a few dollars towards expenses for the kids.  In some cases, they only send money because they’re mandated by a court to contribute financially, so they do so grudgingly.  They could be called deadbeats.

3. They’re not stressed.

They don’t care about what going on with the kids, unless it reflects poorly on them.  Then, they’re quick to blame the other parent.  But wait – If the kid does something spectacular, they’re all over that, suddenly the proud parent.  They could be called deadbeats.

4. They’re not loving.

They don’t know what’s going on in school or who their kids are hanging out with.  They’re not around often, so they really don’t know much at all about their kids.  They might call their kid every once in a while, and they might not.  They could be called deadbeats.

5. They’re not approving.                                  

Often, they’re looking for things that aren’t perfect with their kids so they can complain about the other parent and try to make him or her look bad.  They’re not around enough to encourage them to do anything or to support them in their endeavors.  They could be called deadbeats.

6. They’re not consistent.

Again, they may or may not call or come around.  They see their kids every once in a blue moon, often requesting to do so at the last second.  Even then, they may pawn the kids off on their parents or other family.  They don’t have rules or discipline guidelines because they’re usually trying to one-up the other parent.  They could be called deadbeats.

7. They’re not role models.

They’re often off enjoying their lives without the hassles of children.  They’re not responsible, consistent, or concerned with their well-being.  They could be called deadbeats.

Now that we’ve looked at the characteristics of those with children, let me ask you my original question again:

How does one become a parent?

Ahh, now you see where I’m going with this.  Not everyone who has a child deserves the title of “parent.”

Let me tell you something.  If you are not there for your child financially, physically, or emotionally, then you are not a parent.  You are a sperm or an egg donor only.  You don’t have the right to “show up” only when your child is recognized for some awesome achievement, and you sure as hell don’t have the right to get that child’s praise and affection.

Sadly, most kids will still love these deadbeats only because they want nothing more than to feel loved and accepted by this donor.  No child wants to believe that his or her parent doesn’t care about him.

We’ve all heard the saying that anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.  I’m calling bull – No, not anyone can be a father.  Anyone can be a sperm donor, but I’ll be damned that someone who only sees his kids for a week out of the year will be called a father.  Or a dad.  Or a parent.  Yes, the same thing goes for women.  I’ve seen moms who fit this category, as well.  I don’t care if you gave birth to that child.  If you’re not around to raise him, and you don’t financially support him, then you’re not a mother.  You’re a deadbeat.

To all those parents out there who are busting their butts to raise their children without the other “donor,” good for you!  Keep working hard to do your best with your kids.  One day it will pay off, and we can all only hope that one day your kids will see the truth and will love you and respect you even more once they realize who was really there supporting them on their journeys through life.

And thank you to all those men and women out there who are helping to raise someone else’s children.  It’s hard work to take the role of step-parent.  You don’t have to raise children if they’re not yours, but you choosing to do so anyway speaks volumes about your amazing character.

To all those out there who have children – Be a parent.  Visit your kids.  Pay your child support.  Come around every once in a while.  Pick up the phone.  Not for your child’s other parent, but for your child.  Don’t be a deadbeat.

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

“My new house is going to have wall-to-wall awards!” ~Patsy Cline

I was shocked yesterday to learn that I’ve been nominated by The Girl Who Blogs for, you guessed it… another award!!!  I mean, I know I’m awesome, but most other people aren’t as aware of that as I!  I’m just kidding…

Kaela (one of my very favorite blogger-chicks) chose me as one of the recipients of the Bouquet of Three Award!

Here are the rules:

1. Proudly display the Award Certificate on your blog page!

2. Announce your win with a post.  Be sure to link your post back to me as a “thank you” for the nomination.

3. Present up to 15 awards to fellow deserving bloggers.

4. Let them know you’ve nominated them for this awesome award.

5. Post 7 interesting things about yourself.

Here are my Bouquet of Three Award nominees:

Cowboys and Crossbones – Her stories about her pussy, Ted, have me laughing so hard it hurts!

This Typing Makes Me Look Busy…. – She writes about everything from funny, drunken mishaps to her love of dance!

missandmisters – I love her stories about her beautiful boys, and the poo one took the cake!!  Check it out – It’s hilarious!

draliman on life – Drali is an amazingly funny blogger, and his DraliDoodles are awesome!

One man and his Mustang – Guys!  He knows the difference between a 1964, 1964 ½, and 1965 Mustangs!!!  That makes him my hero!

The Tousled Apostle – She is an English nerd (like me!), a proud Christian (like me!), a writer (like me!), and a musician (crap – not like me!)  In other words, she’s incredibly talented!

And now for the 7 interesting things about myself:   

1. My birthday is 7/11 – like the convenience store that sells the Slurpees.

Source: ChicagoNow

Source: ChicagoNow

2. My maiden name is Terwilliger – like Sideshow Bob’s on The Simpsons.

Source: deviantART

Source: deviantART

3. I’m originally from Middletown, New York.  Nope – that’s not upstate, and it’s not in the City.  (See where that red star is?)  There are actually other places to NY.

4. My favorite animal is a panda.  Nope, that’s not from the bear family, but actually the raccoon family. 

Source: USA-UK Online

Source: USA-UK Online

5. I’m left-handed.  That makes me a creative high achiever.

Source: Leftorium

Source: Leftorium

6. My favorite number is 17.  Apparently this makes me intense, difficult to live with, hardworking, and compassionate.  Since my first initial is A, I may become very wealthy.  (Damn, I wish this stuff was true…)  Check out the “meaning” of your favorite number here.



7. Both of my babies are February babies.

Thank you again, Kaela!!!  I’m honored!

You Want Happy Ending?

So I’ve had two gift cards to a local salon and day spa here in Charleston for a really long time.  One I got for Christmas from my bosses almost three years ago, and the other I won from the boys’ orthodontist office for Mother’s Day.

I refuse to spend $200 on my hair (even when it’s not my money I’m spending), so I decided that a couples massage sounded good.  A nearly free couples massage sounded even better.  Here’s their website’s description: Performed in a private room with a therapist for each client, couples can share an integrative massage while enjoying each other’s company.

Oh.  Now is probably a good time to mention the fact that I’ve never had a massage before.  Nope – never.  So going with Eugene, who has had several, sounded even better.  If I had any questions, he’d be able to answer them, and he could show me the ropes.

We get there, and right away the spa girl takes us to our respective changing rooms.  She tells me to get changed, put on a robe, and come back out to wait on our therapists.  Okay, so far, so good.  Except as soon as I get nearly naked, someone busts into the room where I’m changing.  Awkward.  But that’s okay… I’m not going to let anyone ruin my first heavenly massage.

When we get into our room, my massage lady asks me what kind of pressure I want.  Pressure?  No pressure!  I’m here to take all the pressure away.  I need to relax.  No, no, no, silly.  She means what kind of pressure do I want for my massage… duh.  Oops.  I look at her like I don’t speak English and then whisper, “Um, I don’t really know.  It’s my first time.”

In response, she raises her eyebrows at me, a bit surprised, and she yells in response, “WHAT?!  IT’S YOUR FIRST TIME EVER?!  OH, HOW EXCITING!”  Really, lady?  Geez.

Anyway, once she explains what I should expect, she finally starts on the massage.  My back … my shoulders … my legs … my feet … my head.  It. Was. Glorious.  At one point, I was so relaxed, I thought I was going to fall through the little hole where you put your face.

Source: Boston Bodyworker

Source: Boston Bodyworker

The funny part about the “integrative” couples massage, though, is that there was nothing integrative about it.  I was on my table, and Eugene was on his table.  I had my eyes closed, and Eugene had his eyes closed.  And needless to say, we sure as heck didn’t talk to each other.  We were there to relax – not to talk – we didn’t want to ruin it!

When we’re done, as we’re on our way back to get dressed, my lady yells, once again – “SO HOW WAS YOUR FIRST TIME?”  Ugh.  What the hell, lady?  Can’t you be as quiet as you were while you were working?  You’re ruining it for me.  It reminded me of when Eugene tells me that I’m sexier with my mouth closed.  Now I know what he means…

After we get in the car and we’re on our way to the next best thing of the day (Starbucks!), Eugene asks me how I liked it, what my favorite part was, blah blah blah.  I tell him all about what I thought of it, and then I ask him what his favorite part was.

His response:

“When my girl lifted up the blanket and folded it over so she could do my leg, she accidentally touched my balls.”

Jackpot.  Money well spent.

Tiffany Kleiman ~ Author

“I don’t care if a reader hates one of my stories, just as long as s/he finishes the book.” ~ Roald Dahl, WD

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