“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” ~Franklin D. Roosevelt


At the time President Roosevelt said that fear itself is the only thing we have to fear, he obviously had never come face-to-face with a massive man-eating spider like this one:

Source: Plant Swap

Source: Plant Swap

Terrifying, right???  I hate spiders!  They scare the living bejeezus out of me!  Thankfully I have Ronald to come to my rescue and save my life most of the time – He kills them for me and then flushes them so I can be sure they won’t reincarnate themselves and crawl out of the trash can to plot my death.

Source: Jesda.com

Source: Jesda.com

Spiders are only one of the things that I’m scared of.  I’m also scared of the following things.  Can you relate to any of them?

Our Future:

With the rise of technological devices that are smarter than I am, I wonder if we’ll even have to really communicate with anyone in the future.  My kid just asked me recently what a rotary phone was.  Remember those??  Probably not.

And if you’re falling into this “technologically advanced future” trap like I am, you hate talking on the phone.  Unless it’s 911 worthy, just text me.

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

I mean, in ten years will we really even talk anymore?  I’m kind of scared of what our world’s going to be like.  I mean, what if the whole Internets crashes and we can’t use the Google for a whole day?!  Chaos, people!  Our world will be chaos!

The only sound that will be familiar to us old farts by then will be laughter… the laughter we hear at our desks in the middle of the day when someone reads a stupid meme on their Facebook!

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

Our kids will never learn how to do real research.  All they’ll have to do is download some previously written paper on whatever they’re learning about and email it to their teachers.

And take learning how to write… Will they ever need to learn that?  Sure, now they’re learning how to type, but in ten years, they won’t even need to do that.  All they’ll need to do is speak into some device, and it’ll translate it all for them.

Source: 9 LoLs

Source: 9 LoLs

I’m terrified of this future.  If it’s hard to connect with my teenager now, I can’t even imagine trying to connect with anyone younger than me when they don’t even know what communication really means.

The World In Which My Kids Will Grow Up:

This fear extends beyond the previous one.  Not only will they not have to learn to communicate… or write… or speak…, but they’ll also probably not have social security and other benefits that our fathers and grandfathers busted their behinds to have.

For example, the Social Security Administration estimates that by 2037, the trust fund reserves that our benefits are currently held in will be exhausted, and recipients will only receive 76 percent of their scheduled benefits.  That’s in less than 25 years!!!  That means that by the time our children are eligible for benefits, there will likely be nothing left!

What are they going to do?  Do they even know what work ethic is anymore?  I’m trying to teach my kids that working hard is necessary to being successful, but it seems like so many young people in our society just want things handed to them.  They don’t want to work hard like we have and like our parents have.  They think they’re entitled to a successful life and a paycheck.

I don’t know about you, but I’m terrified of having to support my kids for the rest of their lives.  That’s why I’m working so hard now to be a good parent and raise them to be successful for themselves.  I want a break when they’re old enough to support themselves!  Hell, I want a break now – who am I kidding?!

Source: Soda Head

Source: Soda Head

Being Closed In Small Spaces:

Yes, I am claustrophobic.  If I feel like I can’t breathe, I freak out.  That’s also why I don’t like people in my face.  Or turtlenecks.  I hate turtlenecks.  I think they’re made with live material that tries to suck all the life from you and strangle you ever so slowly.

I’m that person who will wait ten minutes for the next elevator if there are too many people on the first one I’m waiting for.  What if we get stuck, and that annoying girl who sits in front of me at works sucks up all my air?!  I’ll suffocate to death and never get to say goodbye to my family.  Um, no thanks.  I’ll wait for the next one.

Source: The Meta Picture

Source: The Meta Picture

A Zombie Apocalypse:

Um, zero.  My chances of surviving are probably zero.  My underground zombie shelter isn’t ready yet, and I can’t figure out how to keep digging without my ceiling falling back in on me.  And the thought of that happening takes me back to suffocating to death.

I mean, what if I’m totally winning against the stupid zombies, but then I die of suffocation when my zombie shelter falls in on me??  That.  Would.  Suck.

The End of the World:

Every time the Mayans predicted the end of the world, I could at least prepare myself a little bit.  But obviously, they weren’t very good at what they did.

Source: Very Funny Pics

Source: Very Funny Pics

So now I’m stuck constantly wondering and worrying.  What if it’s today, and you haven’t seen The Hangover 3 yet?  Or what if it’s tomorrow morning and you haven’t had your last delicious Starbucks Hazelnut Frappuchino yet?

I want to know when it’s coming, dang it!!!  But once again, God uses his amazing sense of humor to keep me hanging.  Matthew 24:36 says “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.”  Please, Father… please tell me!  Just give me a hint!!!

No luck with that begging thing yet, either, I might add…

Anything With Fur And More or Less Than Four Legs:

This includes anything except dogs and cats.  And just to set the record straight – I hate cats.  While I may not be scared of them, I still hate them.  Probably because of things like this.

I’ve already discussed spiders.  Eek!  Another one that scares the daylights out of me?  Caterpillars.  Yuck!  One crawled into my hair once and tried to crawl in my ear and suck my brains out.  My mom had to pull off the road because I was about to jump out of the [quickly] moving car.

Source: Funny Baby Pictures

Source: Funny Baby Pictures

Anything Without Fur And More or Less Than Four Legs:

Except snakes.  Surprisingly, snakes don’t bother me.  But beetles, ladybugs, worms, roaches, slugs, etc?  Nooooo!!!  Keep them away from me!

Gerald played a cruel CRUEL joke on me this weekend.  You know those little sword things that some restaurants use in their burgers to keep them together?  He had one that looked like this:

Source: Amazon

Source: Amazon

Well he took his hid it strategically in the seat in my car so that just the top part was sticking out.  I was just getting back in the car from pumping gas, and he said, “Wait, Mom!  There’s a maggot right there on your seat.”  Oh.  My.  Goodness.  I FREAKED OUT!!!  I really don’t know how I didn’t have a heart attack.  He and Ronald started laughing, and I finally figured out that it was a damn plastic sword.  If it wasn’t illegal to sell a kid on Craig’s List, I would have been on my way to deliver a handsome 13-year-old boy to someone that very second!

Really, I HATE bugs and critters and creatures.  They terrify me.

Birds:

I’m also terrified of birds.  And no, not even because of Alfred Hitchcock.  They’re disgusting, and one attacked me once for no reason whatsoever.  I didn’t even have food, but that sucker chased me down and attacked my head.  Needless to say, I’ve been scared to death of them ever since.  They’re all on a personal mission to attack me and rip my face off.

Source: Eat: Watch: Run

Source: Eat: Watch: Run

And to the moron who feeds the seagull at the beach, luring in the other ten thousand of its bird friends, I HATE YOU!  No, seriously.  I hate you.  Why – WHY – would you feel the need to attract a gazillion of these disgusting creatures?  I hope they take a big dook [thanks Don] right in your hair.

And their feet.  Have you ever seen their gross, creepy feet?  Ugh.  Dreadful.

A Bacon Shortage:

What the heck are we going to do if there’s a bacon shortage??!  I mean, who can live without bacon?

No one should have to suffer through life with no cured, fried pig.  Without it, we would have no reason to eat vegetables anymore, since the only real way to suffer through vegetables is if they’re loaded down with bacon bits.  Green beans without bacon?  As if!  Lima beans without bacon?  Ugh – gag me.

Bacon is the most amazing food on the planet!  I’m scared to death that there won’t be enough to gorge myself on in a year or two.  In the meantime, I’ll buy some every time I go to Sam’s Club and just overload my freezer with it.  Just to be on the safe side, of course…

Source: Loveless Cafe

Source: Loveless Cafe

Anyway, these are just a few things that scare the crap out of me.  Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Do one thing every day that scares you.”  What the heck?  Did the Roosevelts love fear or something??  Clearly they never had a critter try to eat their brains out.  And clearly, there was no threat of a bacon shortage in their day.

I’ll just stick with raising two boys every day… that scares me in and of itself.

What scares you?

Source: Curious Inkling

Source: Curious Inkling

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14 responses to ““The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

  • ardenrr

    Ummm .. Yes, you would survive the zombie apocalypse because you’re invited to my shelter silly!!

  • donofalltrades

    You sure are afraid of a lot of crap. That’s all useful information to have.

  • bensbitterblog

    Where to start. How about responding to each one.
    Spiders. My wife and kids are afraid of spiders. But mostly my kids. So I have become the trained spider killer. If I want them to leave the house I tell them I can’t get to it right now.

    Future: It is moving too slow. Marty McFly promised the Cubs would win the world series by now. Still hasn’t happened. And where are my double ties?

    Closed spaces: I also hate them. Don’t put me in a trunk or an MRI machine or I will kill you with my passive agressiveness.

    End of the World: Not worried. I presume I will be crushed by a rock and I will write a bitter post the next day about how life doesn’t rock.

    I hate cats. Period.

    Bugs and critters: Stupid bees following me everywhere. I’m already being stalked on the internet, I need some space.

    Birds: They seem to be angry all the time. But on the positive side, they are killing pigs and make green bacon. Tasty…

    What scares me? When people aren’t bitter with me.

  • Cowboys and Crossbones

    I HATE spiders, too. Although you did point out several other things I should be scared of….

  • Dad, It's OK!

    I also fear the loss of bacon. I can’t imagine a world where my daughter would not have it in all its glorious deliciousness!

  • fakingpictureperfect

    a bacon shortage! hahaha. That cracked me up

  • queenlorene

    HAHAHAHA! NEEDED this post! Although the energy you expend on all these fears made me a little tired. Totally agree on the turtleneck. Only an experienced strangler would have developed something that makes your head balloon out of your shirt. I don’t kill anything. I gently catch them and oh-so-lovingly transport them to a new home outside. They are all God’s creatures and do their part to balance nature. Just think of the bugs we would have without spiders! Get your kids to recycle them!

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