“You can’t make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen.” ~Michelle Obama

Life is full of decisions.  Decisions that can change your life in a split second.  Decisions that you’ll either be proud of or spend the rest of your life regretting.

Unfortunately, I’ve made several of the latter in my 31 long years of life so far.  Maybe not necessarily ones I’ll regret forever, but ones that I’ll spend the rest of my life at least wondering about and questioning.

Source: LolRiot!

Source: LolRiot!

I’ll bore you to death and share with you some of those decisions that I still wonder about.  This is probably more than you’ll ever want to know about me, by the way, but I don’t care… It’ll make me feel better to make you listen to me.  Remember, free therapy and all…?

Source: Your Face is Stupid!

Source: Your Face is Stupid!

1. I got accepted to NYU but went to Charleston Southern instead.  Whaaaat???!  I know, I know.  But they didn’t have a Criminal Justice major.  And I didn’t want to major in Gender and Sexuality Studies or Jewish History and Civilization.  Bummer.

Anyway, now I always wonder about how cool living in NYC would be during college.  I’d probably still live there and work at some kick-ass law firm.  Oh wait.  I do work at a kick-ass law firm.  But not in the middle of NYC, so that doesn’t really count.

Oh, I forgot to mention – it probably didn’t help that I was pregnant before even starting my Freshman year.  THAT would’ve been fun.  Living in NYC by myself, going to college, going to the best parties, being knocked up.  Yep.  Sounds like a blast.

Wait, wait, wait.  Before you judge me [some more], let me explain.  (And move on to decision number two.)

2. I married my baby’s daddy.  Yes, I really just used the term “baby daddy” and promise to never ever use it again.  Shame on me…

This, folks, was a BIIIIG mistake.  While I don’t run around condoning unwed pregnancies, let me be the first to say that getting married is NOT the answer.  It actually makes things worse.  (You can’t just up and run from the bastard.)

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

I got married when I was 19.  That is much much too young.  I should’ve listened when the entire planet told me that.  But noooo, I was 19, and I knew everything!  Sound familiar?  If not, just wait until your kids turn 19.  Then you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

Even after getting married, I will still virtually a single mom, so I would’ve been just fine on my own with a new baby.  I still worked full-time, went to school full-time (and took 18 hours each semester), made the Dean’s List every semester, and was still a damn good mom.  No, it wasn’t easy, but I did it.  And well, I might add.

The entire time I was struggling to get by for Gerald and me, the bastard husband was physically and emotionally abusive and ran around constantly with one whore after another.  (But that’s a post for a different day…)

Source: King of Humor

Source: King of Humor

I wonder pretty often about how much different those nine years would’ve been with just Gerald and me.  And possibly an actual nice guy to join us.  Damn, why did I have to be so stupid???

3. Obviously, because I had a kid at such a young age and another when I was 20, I had to put my law school plans on hold.  The original plans were that I would start law school immediately after graduating from undergrad.

That would’ve been fine and dandy, except by that point, the boys were playing peewee football.  And man, were they CUTE!!  I couldn’t stand the thought of missing the chance to watch their games, so I put my plans for law school to a screeching halt.

You can see where this is going already, can’t you?  The problem comes in with the fact that they haven’t gotten any less cute or less talented.  Gerald’s now a damn good defensive end and catcher, and Ronald’s a hell of a guard and pitcher.  I can’t stand the thought of missing out on watching where their talent and hard work is going to take them.

Their practices and games requires a lot of time and dedication, and obviously until they can drive [God, help me], that’s my job.  I refuse to make the boys suffer for my poor judgment, which we’ve discussed many times, if you remember.

I hope to still go to law school once they’re both in high school, which is terrifyingly right around the corner.  Then, at least, they can drive themselves [yikes!!!] and they’ll have practices right after school.  Not to brag, but I think I can be a pretty damn good attorney, so I definitely don’t want to let the opportunity pass by forever.

4. Since moving to Charleston to go to college, I’ve been convinced that I wouldn’t leave this area.  I love it here, despite the morons who’ve given South Carolina a bad name.

Now mind you, I hated living in Myrtle Beach, better known as the Redneck Riviera.  My family moved there when I was in the 7th grade, and I hated it.  I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there.  Once I moved to Charleston, though, I had myself convinced that I didn’t hate the whole state.

Source: Fits News

Source: Fits News

The only problem with living in Charleston since college was that I missed my mom and sister terribly.  They’ve always been amazing at coming to visit, but it’s just not the same as living in the same city.

So, hubby # 2 and I decided it would be a good idea to up and move back to Pawleys Island (in Myrtle Beach) to be closer to my family, especially my granddaddy who was sick with lung cancer.  Two words: BIG. MISTAKE.  As soon as we moved, I remembered every single reason why I hated it there so many years ago.  Traffic.  Tourists.  Dead winters.  Obnoxiously busy summers.  Crappy law firms.  Crappy salaries.  Tourists.  Traffic.  I hated it!

Source: My Horry News

Source: My Horry News

Stress about money, jobs, the step-kids visitation with their mom, and things like that led to one problem after another.  Long story short, hubby # 2 and I separated (ugh – here we go again), and I ended up moving back to Charleston.

I can’t help but wonder if whether I hadn’t moved back to begin with, if things would still be just fine and dandy like they were before I moved.  Fortunately, I got a great job at an amazing firm, after having left an amazing job to move, so that worked out.  I love where I live now, and I love this area, but damn… I didn’t realize that the cost I’d pay to be happy again would be so high.

Source: The Meta Picture

Source: The Meta Picture

This is only the beginning of my questionable decisions, but they seem to be the ones I think and wonder about the most.  Of course, there’s that one time I went out with some girlfriends and woke up in the hospital, but I don’t think that affected me for the rest of my life, other than to say that I no longer trust bartenders who give me free Purple Hooters all night…

There I go, getting off-track again.

They say hindsight’s 20/20, right?  Well now I know what that means.  If I hadn’t made the debatable decisions I’ve made up to this point in my life, I may be a rich, happily married attorney, who’s not stuck with doing all the work and making none of the money and spending all my time in divorce court.  At least I’ve got Gerald and Ronald, though.  They’re my life.

I guess it’s true what they say: There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.  My tunnel just seems to be really damn long.

What decisions do you wonder about?  Any that you would go back and change?

45 responses to ““You can’t make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen.” ~Michelle Obama

  • frustratedreader

    I think I like you more with every post I read. Well put post! I was just thinking about posting something similar later this week.

    • aliciabenton

      Thank you! I felt bad writing a “diary” thinking that people wouldn’t want to read about all of my personal problems, but I was also hoping that maybe some can relate. I can’t wait to read yours when you post it!

  • ardenrr

    Well if you hadn’t left previous good job to move to Myrtle only to move back to Charleston and work here THEN I NEVER WOULD HAVE MET YOU … And well … that would suck …

  • Michelle

    Such good questions!! Hhhhmmmm what decisions do I wonder about? What if I had followed my passion for music instead of becoming a shrink? What if I had married that a**hole instead of my husband? Imagine if there is a parallel universe somewhere where we make the decisions we wonder about and our lives are totally different???

    • aliciabenton

      A parallel universe is definitely a possibility! And in it, I’m rich, tan, and have big boobies! 😉

      It’s probably a good thing for people like me that you’re a shrink. What would we do without you?!

      Had you married that a**hole instead, you’d be writing a post like mine! Lol.

  • bensbitterblog

    You know you answered just about every question about you that was going to awkwardly ask you, so I’m glad you did those post so I didn’t have to do any work. As far as bad decisions go, I’ve made all of them and they all end up on my blog. Really though, I have only first world problems, but even those make me bitter.

  • bensbitterblog

    I guess all that leaves me with is the awkward cross country hug that you get for having made these bad decisions. You did make one good decision. Stopping by my blog. That has changed your life for the bitter.

  • donofalltrades

    Do the boys still see their baby daddy from time to time or is he not going to be interested in them until they’re starring for the Mizzou football team one day?

    I regret not getting into medicine as I find attorneys to be stupid dicks for the most part. I should be consoling soccer moms who bring junior into the office because he has the sniffles again.

    Hurry up and get your butt into law school, if that’s what you want to do. Why keep putting it off?

    • aliciabenton

      They see baby daddy for a week at Christmas. He’s a real winner… And yep – He’ll be the first to brag about how great they are at whatever sport they end up playing. Bastard.

      No no no to medicine for you. Most docs have no bedside manner, which means they have no sense of humor. You’re way too funny to be in medicine. All the attorneys I know still have no problem consoling anyone with a hooha. What’s that to stop you??!

      I’m putting it off for three reasons now: the boys still need a chauffeur (at least until they’re in high school); the dreaded LSAT; law school is expensive. :/

  • Cowboys and Crossbones

    I hear you on the tunnel seemingly being endless! But I think I see a light, don’t I?! 🙂 Your boys are beautiful! While I made my fair share piss pour decisions and gone to hell and back, I can’t say I’d change any experience because it’s produced who I am today…although, I might take back this one night, in college…

  • fakingpictureperfect

    I loved reading all of this. It gives us so much more insight into you, and we will understand your posts even better! I wonder about past decisions too, but they all lead me to where I am today, and I am happy. It may seem like a long tunnel, but one day, you will get that perspective and know that all your decisions led to something more.

    • aliciabenton

      I have to agree… I am happy for the most part. But life is so hard! No one told me that it would suck to be a grown up!

      Thank you for your encouragement. I needed to hear it! 🙂

  • Dad, It's OK!

    Only choice I ever made that I “regret” was going to college for Video Production rather than Psychology. It was always a passion, and I should’ve just kept it at that. But then again, if I hadn’t gone that path, would I be where I am today? Doubtful. Would I be married to the woman I am married to? Probably not. Would I have a higher paying job? More than likely.

    There’s trade offs though, and sometimes I do wonder if things would’ve been different. But every time I find myself wondering about it, I remind myself that while things may have been different and they may have been what I think would be better, there’s always the same possibility that they could’ve been worse. I could’ve flunked out of college if I attempted Psychology… who knows.

    • aliciabenton

      I did the same thing with Sports Medicine, but it turned out that I love what I do, at least, so that was good. And Video Production sounds very cool, by the way. 😉

      You’re right – the grass is always greener, right? I have to be mindful of that. Things could always be worse, and I am, without a doubt, blessed. So I should stop complaining…!

  • queenlorene

    I think you should do a “Bad Decision Tree” contest. This week, all contestants write about their bad decisions, the consequences etc. Then the following week all contestants will write about the other choice and where thy think they would be NOW. I am an avid participater in Rarasaur’s ForThePromptless challenges. And I really can see something like this in your hands as well! As usual, loved this post! And, so you don’t feel neglected, I flip-fopped like you and settled with a decision I feel was not correct. “I definitely have 2 (asshole) tails on my coin of life”

  • It’s Time to Make a Decision. | Fusteratedreader's Blog

    […] we make every day that we don’t even think twice of. Alicia talked about something similar on Wednesday. I was thinking of my schedule. I take the same way to work and to home, which probably isn’t […]

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