No, I really don’t have a social life… But it wasn’t until a fellow amazing blogger called me out on my lack of one yesterday that I realized how pathetic my social life really is. Yes… that’s right. He told me that Facebook, Twitter, and WordPress don’t count as social life outlets. What?! Well, crap. Where does that leave me???
I’m only 31 [gasp – did I say “only”?], and I have two kids. In case you didn’t know, a lot of 31-year-olds haven’t even started making babies yet. At least not many I know. In fact, several of my girlfriends are still in their late 20s [bitches…] and have had enough sense to remain unwed and childless – at least for now. That part of them that itches for children lives vicariously through me and my never-ending monster kid stories. I’m free, non-prescription birth-control!
Happy hour for me isn’t the usual 4-6. It’s 9:30. Why? Because 9:30 is bedtime! Woohoo!
And a night out for me isn’t the normal dancing on in a bar. It’s grocery shopping in Walmart in peace and quiet with no kids.
Date night for me doesn’t usually consist of a romantic dinner and a movie. It’s delivery pizza with one kid while the other is at a friend’s house. (Only having one kid at a time guarantees me at least an hour of respect and maybe even a hug and, therefore, qualifies as a date.)
Excitement for me isn’t some random guy asking for my phone number. It’s getting to pee without a kid trying to bang down the door in a desperate attempt to tattle on the other one first.
A new release to me isn’t the latest movie in the theaters. Nope. It’s the TV version of the movie that everyone (except me) saw in the theater five years ago.
To me, vacation isn’t going away to Disney World or some remote island destination. For me, it’s not having to do twenty loads of laundry in a week because the kids are spending a few days at their grandparents.
Social networking to me isn’t meeting up with old friends for a drink. It’s Facebook stalking all my old high school friends and perusing through hundreds of photos of them enjoying their social lives.
Free time for me isn’t spent in a gym working on my abs. It’s washing my hair. And maybe even brushing it!
“Mom,” to me, isn’t only what I call the woman who gave birth to me. It’s my first name.
For me, makeup doesn’t consist of lipstick, eyeliner, mascara, and blush. It consists of only the concealer used to cover up my dark under-eye circles.
For me, relaxing doesn’t mean spending a day at the spa getting a message. It means blogging… Lucky you!
Moses said I should “get out” more. Maybe he meant “blog” more while you’re stuck at home with your kids and all your friends are out having fun. Yes. I’m quite certain that’s what he meant. Stupid autocorrect.