I can’t believe it. I wasted two valuable hours of my life last night. I wish I had seen this quote before I made the stupid decision to devote precious hours to a terrible, TERRIBLE movie. What movie, you ask? The Final Destination. You’re probably shocked that 1) I had never seen it before last night and 2) I hated it. So it started out decent enough to suck me in. I mean, what’s better than a great Nascar crash, right? Not only that, but I love horror and suspense movies. Nick’s premonition of the crash kept me interested enough to put down what else I was doing (playing Bingo on my Kindle) and give the TV my full attention. [Idiot.] I only had to watch for 30 minutes before I realized what I wish I had known all along… It sucked! But at that point, I felt invested and decided to watch until the end. [Again…Idiot.] Other than now being a little more paranoid than usual, I hated far more about the movie than I liked.
What I Liked:
1. The gruesome deaths. I’m not a big fan of super-cushy, feel-good, happily ever after movies. (Unless they’re made by Disney, and then of course, I expect that.) It was awesome when the girl in the beginning, at the race, got knocked the !@#$ out by the race car tire that went flying at her head. I know, I know… The boys already told me I’m sick.
2. The irony. There was nothing I enjoyed watching more than the racist, disgusting, redneck dude get dragged down the street by his own truck after attempting to burn a cross in the black dude’s yard. How’s that for irony?
3. The ability to make me even a little paranoid. I will now make dang sure my shoelaces are tied before I step foot on an escalator.
What I Hated:
The redonkulousness. You can’t tell me that it was even possible to figure out in what order all these people would have died. I don’t care how slow you play back the video footage in a crash and explosion like the raceway one… The fact that they were able to figure out the impossible (and yet were still just plain stupid) did nothing but tick me off.
The unrealisticness. Yes… like that word. They had the ability to make me completely paranoid if they had only picked some likely causes of death. Instead, the mom who escapes death from an exploding hairspray can and a falling ceiling fan ends up dying when the rock from the lawnmower smashes her in the eye. And the dude who just missed getting smashed by the truck at the body shop ends up getting nailed by a flying oxygen tank rocket and diced to death by the metal fence. C’mon man!!!
The “Are you freaking kidding me” parts. The kid at the pool had his organs sucked out of his butthole by the pool drain? Really??? My pool can barely suck leaves out of the stinkin’ pool, much less my intestines. If I do find a drain that powerful, you better believe I’ll be sticking my boobies in that sucker…
They killed George. Not only did they kill off the token black guy (hey, at least he didn’t die first, right?), but he was actually the only character I could stand. Well, until he tried to hang himself. You mean to tell me he couldn’t successfully kill himself by hanging or drowning, but he just happens to get run over by an ambulance right in the hospital parking lot? Yes, that’s realistic…
The main character was a wussy. No, this is not the word I’d prefer to use, but sometimes my kids read my blog, so I’ll use this word instead. When Nick gets nailed to the wall in the mall when nail gun falls, he can’t get his arm free. You mean to tell me that he can lift a full tank of combustible liquid, but he can’t rip his arm free? If you saw the place about to explode with you in it, you wouldn’t have ripped your arm off trying to un-nail yourself from the wall??? Not Nick…. Nope – instead he whines like a sissy and just so happens to get the sprinklers to turn on. I don’t think so… My behind would’ve been out of that mall so fast. Right arm attached or not. I mean, come on – In 24, even Chase convinces Jack to cut his dang hand off when they can’t deactivate the detonator on his wrist. Man up, Nick. Man up!!!
The carwash scene. I don’t even know what to say about this part. Her head gets stuck in her sunroof? Really? And why the heck would she have even gone into the carwash if she’d been having problems getting her sunroof to open and close to begin with? Mooorrrooonnn. She deserved to get her head stuck and her face washed.
The characters stupidity. Who in their right mind would celebrate conquering death, after watching twenty other people die, in a place called “Death by Caffeine”? Hmmmm… I wonder what’s going to happen. “What if us being here right now was the plan from the beginning?” Oooh… what if? [Rolls eyes.]
The ending. If they were going to end up killing every single character off (including poor George – grr), then why the heck didn’t they just save my precious time and just kill them all in the first five minutes of the movie during the race crash? Then I wouldn’t feel like two potentially amazing hours of my life were forever wasted. Shame on me for continuing to watch. Shame on me.