Have you ever disliked someone so much that EVERYTHING they do drives you INSANE? Well, I know you find this hard to believe, but I do dislike someone that much. (Shocker, I know…) And, based solely on the death glares she gets from me, I’m pretty sure it’s no secret to her.
It’s this particular person’s own fault that she is so disliked, I might add. She’s one of those people who knows everything about everything. Even that the vending machine doesn’t accept MasterCard, even though there’s a big fat sticker plastered on the front that says “We accept Visa, MasterCard, American Express, and Discover.” Yet, she’ll sit there and argue with you about how the sticker must be wrong. Really???
Well that’s really only the beginning of her obnoxiousness. Let me share some more with you, as misery loves company, right?? Of course. As don of all trades once so eloquently asked, “Who doesn’t love fat women stories?”
1. She wears capris. She should never – EVER – wear capris. The bottoms of her legs look like uncooked turkey legs. And I mean those GIANT turkey legs. Like they have at the fair every fall. If I have to see those suckers again, I may just have no choice but to become a vegetarian.
2. She breathes too loud. At any given time of the day, you would swear she just ran a 5k. She sounds like she swallowed Darth Vader. Please… stop breathing!!!
3. She clears her throat like there may be a small animal in there. Well, wait. There may be… It’s not a polite little “ahem,” by the way. It’s a full-blown, “Let’s see what I can cough up today” throat-clearing. And she doesn’t do it like only once a day. It’s every five minutes. And it’s GROSS!
4. She has the most annoying accent EVER. People, I’m from New York. (Thankfully I am now quite the Southern Belle, however, right?) I understand that people from different places speak differently. But this is no normal northern accent. This is different. This is nasal, twangy, whiny, disgustingness. In fact, the only reason I even know she’s from the north is because she doesn’t ever shut up about “Well in New York, they do it this way – In New York, they do it that way…” Why don’t you just shut up and go back to New York?!
5. She chews like a cow. Seriously. Sometimes, I think she eats the bag when she’s done with the chips. Dang, I know chips are crunchy, but she gets a little carried away.
6. As I mentioned above, she knows everything about everything. At least she thinks she does… No, girl – South Carolina’s capital is NOT Charleston. No, girl, President Obama is NOT a Republican. No girl, Diet Coke will NOT make you skinny. Why you gotta act like you know when you don’t know? (Thanks, Ben Folds…)
Please know that this is not even close to an exhaustive list of everything this girl does that causes me to strongly dislike her. But I’ll stop here so that you don’t think that I’m really just an angry, bitter person. I’m not. Really. I’ve found the secret to true happiness and removing all anger from my life. And I plan to live by that secret:
Lesson for the day – – Don’t make me hate you. I don’t hold my tongue well. Thanks in advance.