“I felt my mouth go dry, my throat constrict…” ~ Jennifer Paynter


Okay, so last night was one of those crazy nights – two baseball games on opposite sides of town.  The endless driving-like-a-maniac back and forth between fields already caused my blood pressure to go nuts.  On top of that, our last game didn’t end until after 10 – on a school night – which led to us eating a wonderful [insert sarcasm] dinner of McDonald’s at 10:30.  Ugh.  So we’re sitting at the dinner table eating scarfing down our food when the following conversation causes me to have a full-blown panic attack:

Ronald: Mom, what’s ‘jacking off’ mean? A kid in my class said that today.

Me: [Completely and utterly choking on my french fries] Um, excuse me, what?

Ronald: What’s ‘jacking off’ mean?

Me: Uh, maybe you should ask your brother about that.

Brother: Uh, maybe you should ask your father figure about that.

Me: Uh, uh, uh… Hold on – I’ll be right back! [Frantically dialing “father figure’s” phone number]

Me (upon reaching “father figure”): I need your help. ASAP. [Hand phone to Ronald like it’s a hot potato searing my fingers]

Ronald (to “father figure”): What’s ‘jacking off’ mean?

Father Figure: [Without missing a beat] Well, it’s basically playing with your own winkie dinkie.

Ronald: Eww! Gross!!!

Father Figure: Yep. So next time your classmate talks about jacking off, tell him you don’t want to hear about him playing with his own winkie dinkie. But don’t say jacking off… you’ll get in trouble by your teacher for that.

Ronald: Oh. Okay. Thank you – goodnight. [Still as cool as a cucumber]

Me: [Still hyperventilating] Okay.Timeforbed.Iloveyou.Goodnight. [I then proceed to crawl in my bed, curl up in a ball, and continue to remind myself to breath in and out. In and out.]

Before I had kids, people told me that kids were expensive.  I thought that only referred to diapers and stuff like that.  I had no idea that it meant room and board for the loony bin I’d end up in from the endless panic attacks they would give me.  Am I really cut out for raising two boys?  [Sigh.]

 

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6 responses to ““I felt my mouth go dry, my throat constrict…” ~ Jennifer Paynter

  • ardenrr

    O.M.G. — I would have died!

  • Mancakes

    Oh God, I am DREADING the day that I have to start worrying/knowing anything about that! I’m super open minded about that stuff (duh, it’s all over my blog) UNTIL I have to equate it with my son!!!

    • aliciabenton

      Oh yes… I thought I’d be smooth sailing with boys. Dirt? Trucks? No problem – I can handle this! Well… little did I realize that THEY GROW UP! And then THEY become those “gross boys” that I was always disgusted by! And you’re right – It’s a whole different ball game when it’s YOUR kid!! Ugh. I’m not sure I’m cut out for this! 😉

  • donofalltrades

    I’d have said that when somebody is jacking off, it means that they’re not paying attention. So if I find out from your teacher that you’ve been jacking off in class, you’ll be in trouble.

    We really do use it in that context! I’d be curious to know why it came up originally! Lol.

    • aliciabenton

      Ha! Brilliant! (Except that I’d be the parent who gets a call from the school every day telling me my kid is telling all his classmates to stop jacking off in class or they’re going to get in trouble!) Wait… but that’s true. Hmm… you may be on to something!

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