Monthly Archives: April 2013

“You don’t want to be flattered and become big-headed by getting awards. But, well, I am.” ~Johnny Vegas


Dang it, don of all trades… Why’d you have to go and do something nice like nominating me for the Liebster Award?  While I love recognition (who doesn’t???), I don’t love having to do all the work that comes with it.  Kidding… relax.  I’m not an ungrateful witch all the time.  Seriously though, I’m honored that a blogger like myself, with a sad, sad stats page, has been noticed by ‘The Man.’  (That’s how ardenrr and I refer to you, by the way.  You’re our dookie fresh blog hero.)  So, without stalling any further so I don’t have to keep working on this difficult blog, I thank you!!!

Okay peeps, here are the rules to this award that recognizes new bloggers (with less than 200 followers) who may perhaps be as obsessed with their stats as I.  Whoa!  Wait a minute!  What the heck??  Way to remind me of the fact that I still have less than 200 followers.  Hmphh.

Source: Generator Meme

Source: Generator Meme

Okay, wait – my insecurities are getting me sidetracked.  Where was I?  Oh yeah.  The rules.  Here they are:

1.  Thank the blogger who nominated you for the Liebster Award, and link back to their blog.  Don’t harass her and give her a hard time like I did to my nominator.

2.  Answer the 11 questions that your nominator asks you.

3.  Post 11 facts about yourself.  Now you’re beginning to see why my thankfulness over this whole nomination business was a little iffy, right?

4.  Nominate 11 bloggers of your own whom you think deserve to be put through the same torture that you’re in right now.  Remember – their number of followers has to be nearly as pathetic as yours.  Comment on their blogs so they know they’re the chosen ones.

5.  Create 11 questions for your nominees.

6.  And finally… a simple rule: Display the Liebster Award logo on your page.

I’ll start with my answers to ‘The Man’s’ questions.

1.  If you could introduce your husband or boyfriend to someone and had to tell his occupation during the introduction, what would you want that occupation to be?  The Tootsie Pop mascot.  (Give it a few minutes… you’ll get it.)

Source: University of Pennsylvania Career Services

Source: University of Pennsylvania Career Services

2.  Pancakes or waffles?  Waffles, hands down.  With blueberries and pecans, please.

3.  Favorite professional sports team?  The Gamecocks, of course.  But if they don’t count as professional, then J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!

Party Like a Cockstar!!!

4.  City in the USA not named New York, Boston, LA, Dallas, Chicago or Miami that you’d like to visit?  D.C. – Believe it or not, I’ve never been there.  (Don’t judge me.)

5.  Vacation time!  Where do you go if it can be anywhere?  St. Croix.  My favorite place on Earth.  [Sigh… I wish I was there right now…]

Photo by Alicia Benton

Photo by Alicia Benton

6.  If you could…if Jesus insisted that you murder one person, who would it be (I’m excluded please) – Well, murder is such a strong word.  Let’s use “whack” instead.  There are two people in front of Ex #1, but for fear of massive amounts of hate mail, I’ll keep those two to myself.  (Hint: One is a douche bag’s politician’s wife, and the other is a crybaby quarterback.  I strongly, strongly dislike both.)  I also want to whack all the people who do these things [link to pet peeve blog].

7.  What’s a regret you have that sometimes eats at you?  That I didn’t go to law school right out of college.  I told myself that I didn’t want to miss the boys’ football and baseball games and stuff like that, and I promised myself I’d go eventually.  Well, you know how that goes… I’m freakin’ 31 now [gasp], and the longer I wait, the harder it is to talk myself into taking the LSAT.  I guess for now I’ll just keep doing all the work while the attorneys make all the money.  :/

8.  You can change one thing about your husband/boyfriend.  What is that thing?  Hmm… In light of question #7 above, I’ll just stick with the safe answer and say that I would change the fact that he’s a Gay-dor fan.  (Go Gamecocks!!!)

9.  When’s the last time you were drunk?  Sadly, I don’t have much of a social life, and my life’s not quite so pathetic that I feel the need to drink alone.  So really?  I can’t remember.  [smh…]

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

10.  What would you do for a Klondike bar?  Don’t get too excited… I wouldn’t do much.  Not a big fan.

11.  Best thing you’ve ever eaten?  Wow.  This is tough.  Probably the shrimp and grits from Bubba’s Love Shak.  But I ***love*** food, so I love a lot of what goes in my mouth.  [Go ahead… Get it out of your system, perv.]  And no…In case you’re wondering – I’m not fat.  Or even slightly overweight.  So there.

Whew!  Now that that’s over with, I can think of 11 ways to try to make you like me.

1.  I have terrible judgment.  To be so damn smart, I apparently can’t make a wise life decision if it kills me.  Go figure…

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

I’ll be the QUEEN of experience at this rate…

— Oops.  I’m supposed to be trying to make you like me.  Fail. —

2.  I sleep naked.  Seriously.  I hate waking up with my pants all bunched up around my thighs and those weird creases all over me from my pjs.

3.  I’ve only flown twice.  Once to Buffalo and once to St. Croix.  How pathetic.  (But I loved it and wish I could fly everywhere.)

4.  I love amusement parks.  I’m like a big kid when I’m around roller coasters and funnel cakes!

5.  I really really REALLY want a boob job.  Badly.

Holy crap, am I really only on #5?  Ugh…

6.  I love all things football.  I yell at the TV during games, I jump up and down, and I love to talk trash to Cowgirl and Clemsux fans.

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

7.  Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my armpits and then I smell them…

Source: http://www.jennepper.com

Source: Superstar

8.  I love BINGO.  Sometimes I take my Grandma to go play just so I can use her as an excuse for my obsession.

9.  I put both socks on first, and then I put my shoes on.  And I tie my shoes with two bunny ears and not that stupid loop-around thingy.

10.  I’m left-handed.  That automatically makes me cool. And smart.  And funny.  And talented.

So, what do you think?  Do you love me now?

Now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for… (drum roll, please…)  My 11 nominees for the Liebster Award are —

1.  “Normal” is the New Boring – We have a ton of stuff in common – She loves her son, Bob Marley, photography, southern cooking, caffeine, and reality TV.  It sounds like she could be my long-lost twin!  AND… she’s a great mommy! 🙂

2.  Just Another Canadian Gurl – She’s a fighter, and when life knocks her down, she punches it in the face, gets back up, and keeps on truckin’.  And best of all, she actually used the phrase “killer vajajay” in one of her posts.  That, folks, deserves an award!

3.  My Fair Diary – She gives life lessons.  I need life lessons.

4.  Vintage45s Blog – Who doesn’t love old movies and music?

5.  The Cutter Rambles – He almost fought a goose once, he devoted an entire post to why M.C. Hammer is better than Vanilla Ice, and he watches Wrestlemania.  What’s not to love here?

6.  Brickhouse101’s Blog – I, like her, am hopelessly guarded and am surrounded by walls.  I respect her already.

7.  This is Me – I must admit that I’m a little jealous of her, and I plan to live vicariously through her travels.  I can’t wait to hear about all the amazing adventures she has in store for her in this newest chapter of her life.

8.  here and there – Other than the fact that she went to Alabama, her life is pretty fascinating.  The photos from her time in the Peace Corps are amazing.

9.  The Irrefutable Opinion – No one can argue with death by sedatives over being eaten alive by zombies, right?

10.  Where Words Fail… – I, too, am a lover of music and believe wholeheartedly that there is no emotion that music can’t reach.  I also love most of her favorite things.  Except cats.  I hate cats.

11.  whiny baby – She’s all the things I’m not.  That’s awesome.

And finally, the part for all you awesome blogger nominees.  Here are your questions:

1.  Why did the chicken cross the road?

2.  M&Ms: plain or peanut?

3.  What’s your favorite joke?

4.  Best pick-up line?

5.  Early bird or night owl?

6.  Freddy or Jason?

7.  How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

8.  Favorite pizza toppings?

9.  Favorite smell?

10.  Can money buy love?

11.  What song is it impossible not to dance to?

Again, thanks to don of all trades for the nomination and to all of you for holding your applause until the end.

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“I don’t have pet peeves like some people. I have whole kennels of irritation.” ~Whoopi Goldberg


Okay, so me being Ms. Perfectionist, Type A, Control Freak, and all that good stuff, I have a ton of few pet peeves and things that just SET ME OFF.  Unfortunately, I work in a professional law firm and have children at home, so when I encounter these things, I can’t really react in the manner in which I’d like:

Source: Know Your Meme

Source: Know Your Meme

Instead, I have to put on my big girl panties (not big girl like that, just FYI) and just suppress my anger, which in turn, makes me hate people.

Source: feedio.net

Source: feedio.net

You’re probably wondering what could possibly drive me to this point of crazed anger… Well let me tell you.

Whistling

Yep, that’s right.  Whistling.  I freaking HATE it when people whistle.  It’s one of those creepy sounds that just gets under my skin.  Arghhh.  STOP IT!!!

Source: Meme Generator

Source: Meme Generator

The Word ‘Moist’

Don’t ask… Just don’t say it.  Ever.  It’s gross.

Source: High School Memes

Using Speaker Phones in Cubicles

Helloooo?  You see that wall there that doesn’t go all the way to the ceiling?  That means I can hear your entire conversation, moron.  I don’t care what your doctor has to say about your rash.

Made with Meme Generator

Made with Meme Generator

Bad Grammar

‘Could of,’ ‘noone,’ ‘alot,’ ‘irregardless,’ and ‘supposably’ are NOT real words.  If you say them, I will look at you like you’re an idiot.  And no – You may not axe me anything.  However, you may ASK me anything you’d like.

Source: Meme Crazy

Source: Meme Crazy

People Who Talk During Movies

SHUT UP!!!  People pay small fortunes to see movies nowadays.  They don’t want to hear you running your fat mouth.

Source: Know Your Meme

Source: Know Your Meme

People Who Mumble

Mhdsh gmgrk opsdfs djifod.  Did you understand that?  Good!!!  Neither did I.  As Willy Wonka so eloquently put it, “You should open your mouth a little wider when you speak.”  If I’m looking at you like you’re speaking a different language, and you believe you’re speaking English, perhaps you should e-nun-ci-ate a little more.  Or just shut up… That’s always my favorite option.

Spittle

Please, for the love of God, don’t let spit gather up in the corners of your mouth when you talk.  It makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

Source: rapgenius

Source: rapgenius

Backwards Toilet Paper

People, the end of the toilet paper goes over the top!!!  There is no alternative option to this.

Source: Know Your Meme

Source: Know Your Meme

Express Lane Whores

Count your damn items.  If you have more than 20, take your lazy behind to the next lane.  If you’re one of the obnoxious ones who can’t count that high, I hope the cashier has to call (very loudly) for a price check on your Summer’s Eve.

Source: justageekgirl.com

Source: justageekgirl.com

PDAs

No one wants to see you sucking on someone else’s face.  Or grabbing a butt.  If my kid has to ask me if you’re “doing sex,” it’s too much.

Source: someecards

Source: someecards

People Who Don’t Thank Me for Holding the Door for Them

Hold on… Come back through so I can ram the door with your face.  You ungrateful witch.

Created with someecards

Made with someecards

Crinkly Wrappers

This is another one of those utterly obnoxious sounds that makes my skin crawl.  It used to take my ex-mother-in-law 10 minutes to unwrap a single stupid mint in church.  And it takes 20 minutes for one of my colleagues to unwrap whatever she may be about to shove in her mouth at any given time (every dang thing she eats comes in an “impossible for morons to open” wrapper).  That sound makes me want to stab my eardrums out myself.

Source: Quick Meme

Source: Quick Meme

Tapping

Stop tapping – your foot, your pencil, your fingernails – everything!!!  STOP.  Or I will start tapping on your face with my fist.

Source: Graphics Hunt

Source: Graphics Hunt

“Yeparooni”

Ronald says this all the freakin’ time.  Wth does that even mean?  “Ronald, did you brush your teeth?”  “Yeparooni.”  “Ronald, are you ready for your game?”  “Yeparooni.”  “Ronald, did you finish your homework?”  “Yeparooni.”  Seriously, kid.  Shut it.

Photo by Alicia Benton

Photo by Alicia Benton

Well, there’s the start of my list of things that make me want to punch someone in the throat.  Not too bad, right?  Okay, so maybe I should check to see if my medical insurance covers anger management counseling.  I’m doing a good job of holding it all in at the moment, but I don’t know how much longer I can last.  What’s your biggest pet peeve?


“C’Mon Man…!!!” ~Monday Night Countdown Crew


You can’t dance to Mumford & Sons like they’re Tupac.  [For a full guide to the white boy’s dance moves, see here.]

— C’Mon Man…!!! —

You can’t make 15 people stand in line behind you at the gas station while you scratch off all 10 lottery tickets to see if you’ve won a dollar.

— C’Mon Man…!!! —

Source: Meme Generator

Source: Meme Generator

 You can’t take up the whole aisle in Walmart’s parking lot waiting for the lady taking her sweet time walking to her car and unpacking her groceries so you can have her spot when you see I’m stuck behind you.

— C’Mon Man…!!! —

Source: XDTalk.com

Source: XDTalk.com

You can’t tell me that Sandra Bullock didn’t date Jesse James for his massive heat-seeking moisture missile.  It certainly wasn’t for his looks… (Thanks, NCFM.)

— C’Mon Man…!!! –

Source: starcasm.net

Source: starcasm.net

You can’t buy steak and lobster with your food stamps card while I’m buying Ramen Noodles with my debit card.

— C’Mon Man…!!! —

Source: Ed Nicholson

Source: Ed Nicholson

You can’t really think you’re going to lose 20 pounds just because you’re drinking a Diet Coke with that Big Mac…

— C’Mon Man…!!! –

Source: quickmeme.com

Source: quickmeme.com

You can’t really believe that you’re going to burn in fiery hell because you didn’t ‘Like’ and ‘Share’ that Facebook picture of Jesus.

— C’Mon Man…!!! —

Source: meme.cc

Source: meme.cc

You can’t cut me off in traffic and then stop right in front of me to make a left turn.

— C’Mon Man…!!! –

Source: Jokideo

Source: Jokideo

You can’t call in sick on Monday after posting pics of your amazing weekend all over Facebook.

— C’Mon Man…!!! –

Source: someecards.com

Source: someecards.com

You can’t try those lies with me.  I was a kid once, too.  I know you didn’t really finish your homework in class. 

— C’Mon Man…!!! –


“Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know?” ~Chris Rock


So, at this point you’ve all seen enough pictures of my kids to know they’re biracial.  And beautiful.  I don’t like to brag, but I do have two of the most beautiful boys on the planet.  I’m just sayin’…

 Something you may not yet know about me from reading my blog, though, is that I don’t see color.  (Well, other than the fact that white boys just cannot dance, of course…)  I honestly just don’t notice it.  I hate love all people.

Source: imgfave.com

Source: imgfave.com

So when someone makes a comment that can be construed as quasi-racist, it always surprises me and catches me off guard.  (Minus the dancing observation, of course…)  A few Fridays ago, two of my favorite girlfriends and I went to happy hour after work.  [Side note: One of those girls has an amazing blog that you should totally check out here.]  We were having a blast just unwinding from a hellacious week at work and had no worries at the moment.  That’s when I run into another friend there who wants to introduce me to the dude he was there with:

Other Friend:  “Alicia, this is so-and-so.  So-and-So, this is Alicia.”

Other Friend’s Friend:  “Nice to meet you, Alicia.  Do you have any kids?”

Me:  “Nice to meet you too, So-and-So. Yes, I have two boys.  What about you?”

Other Friend’s Friend:  “Oh, that’s neat – I have two girls!”

Me:  “Cool!  Here’s a picture of my boys.”

Other Friend’s Friend:  “Oh… Wow.”

Me:  “Wow what?” [Thinking it’s because I look much too young to have children that old.]

Other Friend’s Friend:  “Uh, they’re black!”

Me:  “What?!  Did you really just say that?!  Did that seriously just come out of your mouth?!”

Other Friend’s Friend:  “Um, no, uh, that’s not what I meant.  Uh…um…”

Me:  “No need to explain.” [Turning to Other Friend…] “Dude, your friend is a son-of-a-!@#$%, and you really need to make some new friends.”

Wonderful end to that conversation.  And it was at that moment that I remembered why it was that I went out with my girlfriends in the first place: Because I don’t like anyone else.

Do people STILL really think like So-and-So does?!  Helloooo!!!  It’s 2013!!!  I forgot when I chose to have children that they may actually have to deal with jackasses growing up who still haven’t figured out that we all bleed the same color.  And it breaks my heart for them.  They’re so innocent, and yet they have to deal with people obviously so insecure with themselves that they take it out on others.

In fact, when Gerald’s best friend’s mom heard about Gerald from her son for the first time, she actually said, “Oh, his name is Gerald?  Well that’s not a black name…”  Are you kidding me?!  So I didn’t name my kids Bon Qui Qui AND they’re well-spoken and well-mannered… Whaaaat?!  It’s really very sad that when they go to college, it’ll benefit them to be “black” and when they submit their resumes, it’ll benefit them to be “white.”  Is this really the world we live in in the 21st century?  I’m afraid so.  [Shake my head…]

Source: lunapic_135698468820535_2

Source: lunapic_135698468820535_2

My challenge for you today if you have this secret problem:  Go talk to someone who’s different than you.  Start a conversation with him.  Shoot, hug him even.  You might be surprised and realize you’re actually very similar.  Hmm, imagine that…

Source: epicdemotivational.com

Source: epicdemotivational.com


“I felt my mouth go dry, my throat constrict…” ~ Jennifer Paynter


Okay, so last night was one of those crazy nights – two baseball games on opposite sides of town.  The endless driving-like-a-maniac back and forth between fields already caused my blood pressure to go nuts.  On top of that, our last game didn’t end until after 10 – on a school night – which led to us eating a wonderful [insert sarcasm] dinner of McDonald’s at 10:30.  Ugh.  So we’re sitting at the dinner table eating scarfing down our food when the following conversation causes me to have a full-blown panic attack:

Ronald: Mom, what’s ‘jacking off’ mean? A kid in my class said that today.

Me: [Completely and utterly choking on my french fries] Um, excuse me, what?

Ronald: What’s ‘jacking off’ mean?

Me: Uh, maybe you should ask your brother about that.

Brother: Uh, maybe you should ask your father figure about that.

Me: Uh, uh, uh… Hold on – I’ll be right back! [Frantically dialing “father figure’s” phone number]

Me (upon reaching “father figure”): I need your help. ASAP. [Hand phone to Ronald like it’s a hot potato searing my fingers]

Ronald (to “father figure”): What’s ‘jacking off’ mean?

Father Figure: [Without missing a beat] Well, it’s basically playing with your own winkie dinkie.

Ronald: Eww! Gross!!!

Father Figure: Yep. So next time your classmate talks about jacking off, tell him you don’t want to hear about him playing with his own winkie dinkie. But don’t say jacking off… you’ll get in trouble by your teacher for that.

Ronald: Oh. Okay. Thank you – goodnight. [Still as cool as a cucumber]

Me: [Still hyperventilating] Okay.Timeforbed.Iloveyou.Goodnight. [I then proceed to crawl in my bed, curl up in a ball, and continue to remind myself to breath in and out. In and out.]

Before I had kids, people told me that kids were expensive.  I thought that only referred to diapers and stuff like that.  I had no idea that it meant room and board for the loony bin I’d end up in from the endless panic attacks they would give me.  Am I really cut out for raising two boys?  [Sigh.]

 


“That money talks, I’ll not deny, I heard it once: it said, ‘Goodbye’” ~Richard Armour


What would you do with $7,500? Probably something pretty stinkin’ cool, right? Take a vacation, maybe? Buy a new car? Well guess what I did with $7,500 today? Yep, I said ‘today’… I spent that much in one day. And it wasn’t on a car or a vacation. It was on braces. BOTH the boys needed braces at the same time – lucky me. I know that in a year-and-a-half, their perfect teeth will be worth the small fortune it cost to make them that way. But for now, I need to not think about the numerous other things that $7,500 could be spent on. Like what, you want to know? Well, let’s see… $7,500 could buy:

– 11 55” LED HD TVs
– 15 round-trip plane tickets from Charleston, SC to St. Croix, USVI
– 37.5 Xbox 360s
– 62 24” bicycles
– 83 pairs of Nike Free Run sneakers
– 833 movie tickets
– 937 months of unlimited movies on Netflix
– 1,875 Double Chocolaty Chip Frappucchinos from Starbucks
– 5,000 bottles of 20 oz. Coke
– 30,000 packs of Juicy Fruit

Or… $7,500 could buy 2 kids braces. I chose to go with that option. Please remind me that my kids having amazingly perfect teeth someday will make me happier than any trip to St. Croix or 1,875 Starbucks Frappucchinos. Mmm… Starbucks. Oh wait. I’m getting sidetracked. Yes, these braces will make us all happy, and they’re the best thing I could have spent $7,500 on. Right? [Confirmation, please.]

         


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